The Kee Family

Naomi's Birth

2011-12-17T00:40:00.003-05:00

I have always told my patients that every labor is different, and Naomi's birth showed me just how true that is. With Fiona, I had a 40 hour unmedicated labor that ended in a transfer to the hospital and a c-section. With Elijah's labor, we planned a home birth and did things a little differently prenatally, and God blessed us with a 5 hour labor and successful vbac at home in our tub. I would describe the first labor as slowly building up and fairly easy to cope with, and the second as a freight train rolling through me and all I could do was hold on until it was over. But Naomi has already asserted that there is a third option between the lengthy labor and the fast and furious labor.

We went to our last prenatal on Tuesday, and I was 3cm in the office. We had a few errands to run that day and did a lot of driving. I had a chiropractic visit and was feeling good, with occasional contractions, but nothing different from the past several weeks. I've had a lot of practice contractions throughout this pregnancy, some intense and some not so much. We ended up meeting my mom and my aunt for dinner at a restaurant, and when the inevitable "When is this baby coming out?" conversation started, I told Fiona that I planned to go home, put everyone to bed, chop up some veggies for soup, sleep well and wake up in the morning in labor. "I think we should have the baby tomorrow," I told her, and she was very excited even though I was joking. But we did just that.

After chopping up the veggies and watching a movie, Dan and I went to bed fairly late and I had a hard time getting comfortable. At 3am the first contraction woke me, but I was able to go back to sleep. Another woke me at 4am, and another at 5am, but then they started coming more frequently. By 5:45 I woke Dan and started timing them, and for the next hour and a half they were 3-6 minutes apart. Our midwives are an hour's drive away, so we called Jenny (the midwife on call) and let her know that things were getting started so she would have time to get her day prepared before coming over. During the period we were timing them, the pressure waves were fairly intense and it helped to be on my hands and knees during them. Jenny wanted us to call her back in an hour and let her know how things were progressing.

Around 7:30 I laid on the couch on my side and started listening to my Hypnobabies birthing scripts, and I felt soooo relaxed. They were still intense, but I was dozing and relaxing between them and it felt like the muscles that needed to work were working and everything else was just chilling out, waiting for baby. It was wonderful. However, the pressure waves were spacing out to 10 or 20 minutes apart. This was very discouraging to me since I felt like I was getting in a good labor pattern and now it seemed like it was going away. Jenny said she was still going to head on over, since she'd rather be here too early than too late, and if she needed to, she'd find something to do in the Franklin area for the day. I had already told my mom that today was the day, even though I didn't need her to watch the kids yet, and now my contractions were disappearing.

The Seven Cities Midwifery crew, which consisted of midwife Jenny and apprentices Jen and Lori, arrived around 10ish, and my mom was there just before that. She took the kids out shopping for a bit, and the midwives came in and made sure all the necessary supplies were set up and available. Since my contractions were so spaced out, Dan and I decided to take a walk. We went around the block once and had a couple of mild ones between two very spaced out but strong ones. We came back because I had to pee. The tub had been set up, and I remember looking at it throughout the day thinking I'd like to get in it. But, in my experience, getting in the water can slow things down and I certainly didn't need to relax anymore. I felt I needed to do something to get labor going. So, I kept shuffling around the house, sitting on the ball, leaning over the back of the couch. My cousin came over, my mom and the kids came back, we ate some food. Through it all I had very intense pressure waves anywhere from 6 to 30 minutes apart. No real pattern ever got established, and I was very discouraged. I was also tired, so everyone else went out to lunch--midwives, family, everyone except Dan and Elijah (our 2 yr old) who laid down for a nap in the kids' room while I laid down in my bed. I was able to sleep for a while, but the intense waves would wake me up, and it was much harder to deal with them coming out of a dead sleep, so I eventually got back up. When I was awake, I was able to stay focused and relaxed, and never really had any pain.

After everyone got back from their afternoon outings, we settled in to some knitting and conversation. My aunt came by and stayed for the rest of the day, which worked well to help mom with taking care of Fiona and Elijah. The kids were able to do their birth project, which was a gingerbread house set we purchased for them to put together. We'd been saving it for a few weeks, and every day the kids would ask if I could have the baby soon so they could put the gingerbread house together. As the afternoon progressed, I never really felt like I got into a good pattern, but I kept eyeing the birthing pool thinking how nice it would be to get in and just relax for a while. I went ahead and got in and thought well, if they completely disappear, I'll just get out. I wasn't in the pool but a few minutes when I had a nice strong pressure wave, and it felt wonderful to be able to completely relax in the water and feel my body doing its work, fully supported by the water. Another strong wave and I felt the first pushing urge. I remember looking up and meeting Jenny's eyes while the urge to push rolled through me. It was time to get my cervix checked.

I stepped out of the tub and headed to my bedroom, and was thankful for contractions that were so spaced out I could just walk around and lay on the bed and completely relax between them. When Jenny checked me, she grinned and said how effaced I was with a bulging bag of water, and finally she said a "conservative" 8cm because I was dilating more as she was checking me. Woo Hoo!! Apparently, all this time that I'd been so discouraged about not being in labor, I was laboring just fine! This was around 4:30 in the afternoon, and I laid on the bed a while before heading back to the tub. I just felt so laid back and relaxed and even though I was 8cm, I felt like it could be a few hours yet. The pressure was there with each contraction, but it was just never painful or overwhelming, and I felt like it could still be a while before we were ready to deliver.

I got back in the birth pool, loved the heat and the water and just had a good time waiting on my body to be ready to push. We had set up the pool in the middle of our big open floor plan and brought in the lawn furniture to have more seating and a bigger table space for supplies. We had a blanket under the pool and terry cloth bathroom rugs all around it. The Christmas tree was lit and the curtains drawn after the sun set, and everyone was gathered around the pool. The kids were finishing up their gingerbread house in the kitchen and my mom was running the video camera. Dan was staying nearby to help with relaxation cues and my hypnosis tracks were playing on the iHome nearby. The midwives were putting together their supplies and there was general bantering and conversation as we all waited.

I think my contractions may have picked up the pace somewhere in the next hour, but they were still very comfortable and easy to deal with. I just draped my arms over the tub and turned off my switch while the pressure rolled through, and was able to sit up and talk in between contractions. Eventually they started feeling very pushy, and I could feel my uterus pushing down while I just relaxed through the contractions. Finally, a little after 5:30, the first real pushing started where I couldn't not push. There was no more relaxing, and I could feel baby moving down and out.

For the next 15 minutes, I pushed with the contractions and felt tremendous pressure between them. The first pain I felt all day was as her head was moving through the pelvic outlet and everything had to adjust to let her through. I remember feeling like my legs were in the way. If I just didn't have legs, everything would work out fine. Sometime around the second or third big push, my water broke and the fluid was clear, but I didn't know it until the midwives announced it. I was leaning forward over the tub, holding on to Dan and pushing mightily with each wave, biting down on a towel. With Elijah's birth, I was in a different position with each contraction as he worked to come down. This time, though, I stayed right where I was to push for several contractions, until I suddenly felt it wasn't right to be in that position anymore. I remember saying out loud that I didn't know what to do, what should I do? And then her head was coming out and I had to MOVE, so I flipped back to a reclining position, and her head was right there, coming out. Once her head was out, I opened my eyes for the first time since I had started pushing and was surprised to see everyone gathered around--the three ladies of the midwifery team, the kids, Dan, my mom, my aunt--I was surrounded by supportive hands and faces. It was amazing. Jen, one of the apprentices, was supporting the bottom of my perineum while I supported the top, and I ended up with no tears. I was able to feel a nuchal cord at about the same time I pushed out the rest of her body and pulled her up to my chest. She was out! She was born after 12 hrs of "labor" and 15 minutes of pushing at 5:50 pm on Wednesday, December 14, 2011.

We wrapped her in warm blankets and waited for her to pink up a bit before I got out of the tub. I felt pushy again and squatted over some chux pads to deliver the placenta. Then we made our way down the hall to the bedroom to clean up, nurse and get some food for me. Fiona cut the cord after we were settled in the bed. Naomi was weighed and measured after we had a while to nurse and cuddle. She was 20 1/2 inches long, and weighed 9 lbs even--my smallest baby yet. We are settling in to life as a family of five and thanking God for our second HBAC birth and this beautiful addition to our family--He is so good!

Watching Birds

2011-02-08T13:46:00.000-05:00

My Grammy (as opposed to Fiona's Grammy) gave us a nice bird feeder for Christmas with a bag of birdseed. This was a really cool gift for us because we have a window seat with large picture windows looking out of the north and west sides of our house, and everyone loves to watch the world go by. Sammy's favorite perch is on the wide sill of the windows there, and the kids climb up every morning to wave goodbye or welcome home their Daddy. Even Cocoa likes to sneak up and check things out every so often.

When the hubbub of Christmas was over, we hung our new feeder, plus a suet feeder that was in the kids' stockings, in front of the windows, and it didn't take long before we had new visitors. We've been watching the birds and squirrels play, and this week I realized I don't really know a lot of the visitors we have. I mean, I can tell a blue jay from a cardinal from a robin, but that's about as far as I go (unless you get into domesticated poultry :).

Our new favorite website this week is the Cornell Lab of Ornithology's All About Birds.org There's a lot of neat info on identifying different species, and you can even listen to the songs they make, and get pointers on telling them apart from look alike species.

Elijah, who is fascinated with all things flying, loves to alert us when birds have arrived at the feeders by yelling out, "Caw, caw! Fwy, sky!" A toddler version of "Squirrel!" also tops his vocabulary this week. Fiona tends to lunge at the birds, wanting to be even closer, while Sammy stealthily stalks them, but hasn't yet figured out how to get to them. Cocoa keeps checking out the dog door for the squirrels, but not finding them. The winter blues definitely have less of a hold this year =)

Music Together Chesapeake--love it!

2010-12-01T00:05:00.001-05:00

One of the items on our Christmas Wish List is Music Together Chesapeake Classes. We went to a demo today, and LOVED it!.

They have a very unschooling-like philosophy when it comes to children learning and experiencing the world, which is helpful with active toddlers. The teachers are very respectful of the fact that some children are quiet and taking things in while others are active participators from the start. There's a big emphasis on experiencing music throughout the class, but not on participating in a specific way. They let kids run around and be kids, and I absolutely loved how musical instruments were set out to play and cleaned up. The kids were able to choose what they wanted, play with them, and then put them away with no fuss! The instructor sang about the instruments, and sang goodbye while they cleaned up--it was a beautiful lack of coercion :)

We went with friends, which Fiona and Elijah adored, but they also had fun playing with new kids and got plenty of dancing time before transitioning to a lullaby and singing goodbye to the class. Overall, it was a very pleasant class, and the kids have been asking when we're going back.

So, if you don't know what to get them for Christmas... gift certificates are available by contacting them at office@mtchesapeake.com!

Which Floor?

2010-11-17T11:30:00.002-05:00

We're going for Pottery Barn appeal. Our big room has a warm beigey white color (antique white, I think) as the walls and crisp linen white as the trim (the trim appears white white next to the walls). We've painted the base of the island, the base of the computer cabinet and the window seat black (cushion is gone). All the green trim is gone (all white now). The cabinets are still the stained knotty pine with white knobs. The island top is still oak, computer desk top still walnut.

Question: Which floor color? We're just trying to choose the best looking of the cheap options, not the most phenomenal of all the options.

A) American Classic Oak

B) American Cherry

C) Medway Park Merbau

D) Slatten

P.S. I think we're going to get a little 4-6 seat dinette from Ikea that looks like this for a steal, and use a sisal area rug under it and another for the couch area.

Edited to add, by request, photos of the new paint job.

How many horses?

2010-11-06T20:08:00.000-05:00

Today we were able to visit the farm in Pennsylvania that supplies our raw milk and some of our meats and cheeses. It was encouraging, for several reasons, the first of which being that we found basically what we expected to find in terms of farming models--a grass based farm raising dairy and beef cattle with an intensive grazing paradigm, as well as layers, broilers, and pork. The family is Amish, and the farmer who is 39, has 7 children ranging in age from 2-15. It was a picturesque little farm in the middle of Pennsylvania Dutch country, with rolling hills and old stone buildings. The family seemed to be well integrated into the workings of the farm, and the other animals included several horses, cats, dogs, and guinea pigs. (The guinea pigs are a pet project of the children's.) They have a nice garden plot for their own produce, and while they do have some modern amenities, the phone he uses for business is still out in a little shed with all of his business papers. Sort of brings work to the level of one of those things you do in an outhouse :) It was a beautiful, if crisp day spent outside, and we had lots of new ideas to discuss on the way home.

We're talking a lot about farming these days, making plans, and studying what others do. Therefore, my three year old sponge has been thinking about how she'd like to participate. Tonight in the car she asked, "Are we farming yet?"

"Not yet, honey." Dan replied. "You'll know when we're farming because our house will be a lot smaller and our yard will be a lot bigger. And there will be animals in it."
"Animals in it? Can we have horses on our farm?"
"I don't know. How many horses do you want?"
"Um, three horses."
"Why three horses?"
"Because... Because my... my how-old-is-me is three!"

Shoulda known :)

p.s. If you live in the Maryland/DC/NoVa area and would like information on raw milk, grassfed beef, and other clean foods produced on the farm, you can contact me directly. The food police have been harassing our farmer despite the completely legal set up we use. We are members of a group that leases the farm, and pays the farmer to produce foods for us from our farm. So, the cost per gallon of milk is not to purchase the milk (we already own it) but to pay the farmer for keeping the cows, moving them twice daily, feeding them hay in the winter, milking them twice daily, bottling the milk, and packaging it for delivery. We also pay a separate per pound delivery charge for the guy who actually delivers it to our neighborhood. All these shenanigans are in place just to get around a government that is way too big, but that's another post. This is the reason I've kept our farmer's name off of my site, but will happily share details if you'd like to join the club :)

Conversations with a 3 year old

2010-10-31T09:14:00.001-05:00

Overheard this morning from the trio on the couch...
Fiona: "Where did Cocoa come from?"
Dan: "We got him from the SPCA. Mommy and I went to get him before you were born."
Fiona: "Were grandma and Papa there to take care of me?"
Dan: "No, you weren't even born yet. You were just an egg inside Mommy."
Fiona: "Did Mommy eat me?"
Dan: (laughing) "No, your egg was there since mommy was a baby."
Fiona: "But how did Mommy get in Grandma's belly?"
Dan: "She came from an egg that was there since grandma was a baby."
Fiona: "But who was Grandma's mommy?"
Dan: "You mean your greatgrandmother...I don't know, maybe mommy knows her name..." (Dan went on to explain who his grandparents and greatgrandparents are...) "Did you know you have eggs in your belly right now?"
Fiona: "I have eggs in my belly right now? Am I a chicken?"

And later while sitting on the dog,
Fiona: "Am I disobeying cocoa?"
Dan: "No, that's not possible"
Fiona: "Well, he wants me to get off of him."
Dan: "Well, I guess you've got a point."

And later still...
Fiona: "I have eggs in my belly and when I grow up my eggs will grow bigger and bigger and I will poop! my eggs out like a chicken!"
Dan (laughing) "I don't think so! That's not what Mommy did. Do you remember how Elijah was born?"
Fiona: "He wasn't an egg, he was a baby!"

Little Man of Few Words

2010-10-12T23:24:00.000-05:00

We had a thunderstorm last night, and Elijah couldn't sleep through it. While Dan and I were out in the big room facebooking and talking, the wind started blowing cool air through the windows, and the rain pelted the gutters, the lightening flashed, CRACKED across the sky, and that was it for the Little Man.

You'd think it might be a chore to have to put a little one back to sleep, especially since the thunder stuck around for a while, but it was one of the sweetest times I've had with him in a while. Elijah doesn't talk much yet. He has several words, and many that he spontaneously uses but won't repeat. But, most of the time when he really wants to say something, he slurps. He'll point to the object he wants and make a sort of "ssshhsslllsss" sound, and look at you meaningfully, as though he just said something that any idiot would understand. It can be frustrating to an 18month old when no one knows what he just said, and so we have our dramatic moments in which he throws himself bodily to the ground and protests loudly at our incompetence.

But last night, when I went in, he was just sweet. He cried out, and when I got to the bed, he pointed to the window and slurped. I laid down with him and tried to soothe him, but each crack of thunder and flash of lightening would pop his eyes open again. So, we got up and went to the open window and peered out through the screen at the downpour in progress. I talked about the rain and he pointed and slurped. When we saw the sky lighten and go dark again, he held up his hands as if to ask where it went. I told him the thunder was coming and to get ready for the boom boom boom, and he smiled when it rumbled in. I stood swaying in the dark, holding him, and we watched the storm for quite a while, until he laid his head on my shoulder and drifted back to sleep, calm and secure, unworried.

When I laid him back down, I stayed with him for a while, watching him sleep and remembering. I remembered the night he came into this world, remembered laboring in this same room. I remembered holding him and nursing him for endless hours. I remembered when all of our focus was on Fiona, because we only had one, and how that's divided with two, but seems multiplied at the same time. And I thought about how short this time is where he doesn't have the words to say things to me and we pay such close attention to each other to be able to communicate.

So, I paid very close attention for a little while longer.

Genetically Modified Food

2010-10-10T23:42:00.005-05:00

See the trailer here

The Future of Food is the latest movie I've watched on Netflix, and it's another eye-opener. With a brief explanation in layman's terms of the genetic engineering involved, and a list of political figureheads who run the corporations they're supposed to be overseeing, it was reminiscent of Food, Inc, but much scarier.

There are a bunch of issues at hand here. There's the first question that comes to mind, which is whether or not it is safe to splice genes of differing species (and often kingdoms!) together and then eat the resulting organism. I don't think there's enough information out there to say whether or not this is safe, and until then I'd like to err on the safe side. In fact, since we consume so much genetically modified foods in the U.S., other countries are watching us like guinea pigs to see how our children will fare.

But more imminently concerning to me is the hostile takeover of our food system via patenting by one major corporation. Monsanto, the devil incorporated, is waging war on the small and not-so-small farmers and holding them hostage while extorting money from them. And then binding them with gag orders to be sure the story doesn't get out too much. Think that's bad? Apparently, with our current patent laws, you don't have to invent an organism to patent it. In other words, any plant (or animal, etc) that doesn't have a patent can be taken by anyone down to the patent office and become private property. First come, first served. Why is this bad? Because patent law in the U.S. and around the world supports these corporations, and if ever you are found in possession of any of their genetic material without paying for it, you're a thief.

It gets worse.

They, the big M, are patenting local varieties of food plants in third world countries and attempting to force the indigenous subsistence farmers to pay Monsanto for the right to farm their own food. Anyone who says organic/sustainable farming can't feed the world needs to open his eyes and look at the reasons people around the world don't have food. It's not for lack of land or labor. It is to fill the pockets of the ones in power.

This means, and has been established by precedent in a court of law, that if I endeavor to grow my own non-GMO corn on my own little acre, and purposely avoid Monsanto, and then later am found to have this product on my land (via cross pollination or any other means), I will be found to have infringed on the patent they own and will be held accountable. My corn will be their property.

To use an example from the movie, what do you think about this: Say you're growing a field of peas. Say I decide to go out and buy some cows, because I'd like to raise them for beef. Say I don't do anything to contain them. Instead, I just bring them home, and put out a water trough, and go inside and watch some TV. Now, you look out your kitchen window and notice my new cows stomping through your peas, eating them all up. They are delicious, after all. Who owns the cows, now? According to Monsanto, I do. And who owns the peas? According to Monsanto and the American legal system, I do. Who makes restitution to whom? You, of course, owe me, because you allowed my cows on your land. Shame on you. Now please destroy the rest of your peas before you get more of my cows over there. And give me some money, too.

Right about now I can hear the clammoring of the American people for the government to DO SOMETHING. Stop the evil corporations, because clearly they make profits and stomp on the little man, and that's evil.

But, wait. Let's stop and examine how all this came to happen. Did we have a free market in which the crops were grown to feed the demand of the consumer? Was the justice system blind to the profit potential of the laws it made and enforced? When it was decided that regulation would be appropriate, were there inspectors to oversee these corporations who did not stand to profit from looking the other way?

No.
No.
No.

The crops we grow are subsidized. The lawmakers are executives of the corporations that make the seed, the fertilizers, the herbicides and pesticides, the equipment, the animals, the feed, the processing equipment for the crops and animals. The regulation is on paper, but the inspections are not happening, and when they do happen, they favor the large corporation that already owns everything (including the justice system).

I want to stop here and go back through with citations for every little thing I just said. But it's late and I'm lazy right now, so I'll just say watch the movie. I, for one, will be looking for ways to avoid GMO foods at all costs, and we'll not be feeding it to our livestock when we get our operation going. The easiest way to do this is to avoid buying anything with a barcode. When you know your farmer and can look him in the eye and ask where he gets his seed and how he raises his meat, you can be sure of what you're getting, and you won't get that in almost any store.

Breads and Peanut Butter

2010-10-03T23:05:00.003-05:00

I'm reading a new cookbook. Local Breads is the kind of book I love to read. Written by a baker who owns his own shop and teaches at a culinary institute, it is part text book, part cook book, part memoir and all yummy. Well, at least, I hope it's yummy. I haven't made anything out of it yet--we're still only on our third date.

In the book, he talks about american breads and how we don't put enough water in our breads. Apparently he's watched European artisan bakers add lots of water and then knead a dough for 20 minutes to give the flour a chance to soak up all that water. It's frankly counter to what I do right now, which is to keep adding as much flour as my dough can handle. I can't wait to try some of his recipes in my own kitchen! For tonight, I've got rye dough rising, and it's a little wetter than I usually make it, so we'll see how it turns out.

The other fun thing we did tonight was shell a bunch of peanuts we have from several opened packages, and we used 3 cups of them to make peanut butter. It's so easy! 3 cups of roasted peanuts in the food processor, with salt to taste (we put 1/2 tsp total), and process until it's as creamy as you like it. It took quite a while. All the youtube videos I could find have people adding oil and honey, but we just used peanuts and salt, and it turned out great. Now we have a pint jar of peanut butter in the cabinet with the perfect amount of salt (I think storebought is too salty, but the no-salt-added needs some, you know?) I think next time we may re-roast the nuts a bit to darken up the peanut butter.
...
It's a little later this evening, and I thought I'd add that the wheat/rye bread I made is fresh out of the oven. I've just had a steaming slice with delicious grassfed cultured butter and that chewy warmth is perfect on a cold rainy night like tonight. Nothing beats homemade bread :)

A little sunshine and a cool breeze

2010-10-01T19:13:00.000-05:00

After what seems like an eternity of rain (which included over 8 inches of rainfall yesterday alone!), the kids and I finally got out this afternoon for some outdoor time. We stopped by the library for a quick drop off and pick up run, put our books in the car, and took off across the way. Our library is right beside the local high school. This afternoon there was track practice, field hockey practice, some folks playing soccer, and a JV football game going. It was a new experience for me because the home team was actually winning 40 to 0 when we arrived. When I think back to high school football, I identify much more easily with the visitors to this game.

It was a beautiful sunny fall afternoon, and everything was green and lush from all the rainfall, with a cool breeze and a touch of fall crispness in the air. The walk from the library to the football field isn't too much of a hike, but it still took a good twenty minutes since we were moving at the pace of people who are three feet tall and have no particular drive to arrive anywhere. We explored tall trees and steep hills, stopped to collect sticks and flowers, and Fiona occasionally announced, "Listen everybody: We don't know where we're going, and we're never going to get there!" in a booming announcer-like voice that matched that of the guy calling the plays over the loudspeaker. We paused to examine people running at various practices and listen to the booming of drums in the distance.

When we finally arrived at the football field, we found a spot outside the fence on the visitors' side (like I said, way more comfortable with the underdog), and I explained a few basics to Fiona. Elijah was mostly interested in the rocks. They were big and most could be fit through the holes in the fence, but not all. Fiona liked the different colored uniforms, the tackles and the cheers. But mostly she like when the crowd would all start yelling. She and Elijah both yelled at the top of their lungs whenever there was a significant play. I like to think it helped because the visitors scored a touchdown shortly after we arrived.

The kids had fun playing in the soccer goals that were stacked up near us, and watching when the play got close, and after a while we walked back to our car, which was another adventure. Elijah got a ride on my shoulders part of the way--this was probably the longest he's ever walked. When we got to the edge of the grass back at the library and were about to step into the parking lot, I called out, "I need hands so I can cross the parking lot" even though there were no cars. They had both started walking ahead and both stopped short and came back to hold my hands. But here was the precious part--Fiona, chubby little hand in mine, looked up and said, "It sure is a good thing we have a Mommy to tell us about parking lots and hold our hands so we can cross!" *melt*

Tonight before bed, Fiona and Elijah took turns tackling Dan. She wants to play football tomorrow, so now I have to find a ball :)

Gumbo Recipe

2010-10-01T13:13:00.011-05:00

I never do things exactly by a recipe. For some reason I always find a good reason to alter at least some ingredient, even when I'm trying to be exact. This makes for some duds in the kitchen sometimes, and other times it's pure magic. Last night was just plain yummy--Chicken and Sausage Gumbo, inspired by one of my favorite gumbo recipes in the Ultimate Southern Living Cookbook. (that's a great book--I've only made one recipe in the whole thing that wasn't superbly delicious) So, here's what I did last night. A lot of ingredients were used because that's what I have, so feel free to substitute and make this gumbo your own!

An attempt to recreate deliciousness in a pot...
Ingredients:
-1 Kielbasa Sausage, diced
-About 2 chicken breasts worth of diced white chicken meat, salted, peppered and seasoned heavily w/ rotisserie chicken seasoning and left to soak that up in the fridge for a day or so
-The back and neck meat of 4 chicken carcasses I used to make the broth
-About 8 small green bell peppers, diced
-1 very large yellow onion, diced
-1/2 a head of garlic (maybe 8 cloves?), minced
-About 4 stalks of celery, sliced (the whole thing, not just the heart)
-1 zucchini, diced
-1 yellow squash like gourd thing, seeds scooped out, diced
-1/2 pkg frozed sliced okra (about a pound?)
-3 pints of chicken broth
-a handful of bay leaves. Like, ten. Or more. Best tied together if you can find something to tie them with :)
-1 heaping tbsp Zataran's Cajun Seasoning
-1-2 tbsp dried Thyme
-1-2 tbsp Worcestershire
-3-4 shots Tobasco, to taste (my crew doesn't like things spicy, so I'm not allowed to put much)

First, I take out my nice thick cast aluminum dutch oven and cook up the diced sausage. I let it sit on high heat to get nice and browned before stirring to get it browned all over. Keeping the drippings in the pot, I remove the sausage and brown the chicken next in the same way. Then, remove the chicken and saute the veggies (first the garlic, then onions, celery and peppers, in small enough batches to get everything browned, not steamed) in the same drippings. It gets a nice coat of browned stuff on the bottom. Leave it and keep cooking. If you run out of drippings, add a little homemade lard from grassfed pigs :) (You don't have to brown the veggies, but i think it adds a lot of flavor. You can just brown some to cut down on time--the rest will cook in the soup. I didn't brown the squash).

After everything has been browned, you have a few bowls of meat and veggies on the counter around you, and now you make the gumbo. Take equal parts lard and flour, and cook over med heat to make a roux. It takes a while. Like 20 minutes. You want it to get chocolatey brown, so it will have a nutty toasted smell (sort of like burnt, but nutty and toasted sound way better). The start adding veggies to the roux. It will be a thick muddy mess as the roux coats the veggies. Once you get them all in, cook for a few minutes to get everything coated, and then you can start adding the broth slowly. As you add the broth, make sure you scrape the bottom of the pot good to get all that that lovely brown fond into the stew, and stir well until you get all the broth in. Take a deep whiff. It should smell yummy, but it's not gumbo yet. Let it get to an energetic simmer and add your seasonings to taste, feel free to sample often. Don't forget to smell the deliciousness after you add each seasoning. Decide what you like so you can change it next time. Keep the top on when you're not stirring and sampling. Go ahead and put the chicken broth meat back in now, so it can soak up some flavor, but keep the rest of the meat reserved.

After the veggies are cooked enough that the onions are clear, you can add the breast meat and sausage back in. This way you don't overcook it. You can also throw in a few shots of bourbon for an extra kick, but I didn't have any last night. Let everything get warm and happy together and serve over rice with file (pronounced fee-lay) on top if you like. This gumbo will warm you up on a cold rainy day like nothing else :)

Homework

2010-09-30T15:00:00.003-05:00

For a while now Dan and I have been excited about a big move we think God has for us. We're preparing our house for sale so that we can move back to Southampton County, VA where we hope to raise chickens (among other things) in a sustainable agriculture setting. Over the past year we've been introduced to some ideas and have put some significant time into researching these ideas, and we're excited about putting those ideas into practice. We've been doing that little by little where we are by altering our food purchases, growing some of our own food, and fixing up our house so that we can start practicing these ideas in a big way.

So, now that fall is here and carpentry work is heading into it's annual downtime, Dan has been doing double time around the house. Earlier in the summer he put in a new bathroom. This month he's put up some new light fixtures, replaced the outside fixture, repaired an outside outlet, primed all the bare wood from the windows he put in last year, repaired some drywall in our bedroom, fixed an overhead fixture in the bedroom that wasn't working, and we've done extensive landscaping in the front yard. Phew! That's not to mention the boxes we have packed and all the lovely pieces of junk we've freecycled or trashed. Our goal is to get it looking like a Pottery Barn catalog so we can put it on the market, but the closer we get, the more I like it!

I never realized how much junk we had until we started getting rid of it. The last few times we've been on vacation, we've marveled at how nice it is in the cabin with only the necessities and a week's worth of clothes. There's no excess laundry to pile up or dishes to stack, and the kids never seem to miss all the toys.

So, now we're just trying to create the same feel at home. Why have more toys than they can see at once? The overabundance just means they're never really enjoyed. Do we really need more than a week's worth of clothes? And do we really need to save clothes for later? For when the kids are older, or I've lost weight, or get pregnant again? Clothes just seem to appear at all times, so we're taking that blessing and using the clothes we need and passing on the ones we're not using.

And the rest of our things? We're keeping only the most useful, beautiful or sentimental of items, and passing on the rest to new homes. My new motto is: Just because there's nothing wrong with it doesn't mean there's anything right with it, either! And the things I can't bear to part with are being packed away into boxes in the shed. Hopefully by the time we've moved and begun to unpack, I'll be able to see more clearly which of them is truly valuable and which things just need to go.

How far does $100 go?

2010-09-29T14:00:00.009-05:00

So, what are we eating from our envelope of cash? So far, we're attempting to make $100/week feed a family of four on real food, and it looks like the split is about $50/wk on meat and dairy products and about $50/wk on fresh produce. Both of those numbers shift around a little to make room for toilet paper, grains and sugar, but the extras aren't weekly purchases. By real food, I mean foods that are minimally processed, and generally local, and as organic as possible. For instance, we get raw whole cow's milk directly from a farmer, pastured eggs, poultry, pork and some beef, as well as apple juice directly from Polyface, whole milk yogurt with no sugar added from Nice Farms Creamery, pastured eggs from Triple J and eggs, beef and turkey from Cedar Run. We get most of our fresh veggies from a retired engineer a couple of miles down the road who grows enough for his family and a roadside stand. We get a lot of fruits from him and the local farmers markets, but as we get into fall, I'm regretting not having found a way to preserve fruits throughout the summer. We're able to make butter, cheese and lard at home from the milk and meat we buy directly from farms. I still get grains and sugar from the store--various flours, corn meal, rice, and pasta. But, I try to cook with whole grains and minimize my use of white flour and refined sugar. What we're not able to fit in with all this wholesome food for only $100 is eating out or eating any prepared foods. We've done almost none of that since we started, but with all the family dinners, I almost don't miss eating out. Almost :)

One bummer is that our deep freeze quit on us about a month ago, so our ability to store up for later has been altered. I've since secured a dehydrator from the thrift store, and a canner from my mom, and we've put up some veggies and broth. I'm looking forward to making some fruit leather this week.

I have definitely been taking baby steps in switching to local foods, and I didn't start out trying to do that, but I've just realized in the last few weeks that we hardly ever go to a grocery store anymore. And that has me thinking about the things we do go to the store for, and whether they are necessary or beneficial. For instance, we spent some of our entertainment budget on some chocolate covered raisins from the drug store. I'm not talking about anything fair trade or organic. I'm talking about cheap generic chocolate covered raisins full of preservatives. They were yummy. And I'm not sure what I think about my chocolate fix--it's not like there's anyone in the MidAtlantic region growing cacao! My point is simply that I'm doing what I can to support sustainable farming practices and reduce the footprint of my food, but I'm not feeling legalistic or guilty about it. I'm just making changes where I can find them, and the more I find, the more I find.

Time for my yearly post..

2010-09-28T00:51:00.002-05:00

Updating my status on Facebook has me wanting to blog these days, since I can only fit so much in a status update and I just know the world is dying to hear what I have to say. So here I am with the once-a-year update on our lives.

We're having dinner together these days. It's sort of an unexpected side effect of our new budget. We've gone to the envelope system, meaning there's an envelope with my grocery money in it, and when the money's gone, there's no plastic to swipe. I think Dave Ramsey talks about it, and it's a good exercise. We were using a debit card before, but for some reason having the cash (and handing over the cash) makes a dollar seem a lot bigger.

So, I'm making bread and homemade meals. A lot. I think we've eaten out a total of twice in the last three weeks. And even though I thought we were eating dinner together as a family before on a regular basis, we are now doing it every single night. And each night the kids tolerate sitting still that long a little better. And now they hold our hands patiently while we say grace, and there are tiny little voices echoing the Amen. It's not something we're trying to work on, and honestly I didn't realize it wasn't happening until it was. And it's just really sweet.

Testing the New Computer

2009-09-17T12:35:00.002-05:00

…and saying “Hi” to Annelise!

We’re back to PC since the laptop got hit in the kisser with a fountain of water, compliments of Fiona. One of the best things about being a procrastinator is that when it comes to technology, waiting longer just makes good things cheaper! So, now we finally have a desktop (which we’ve been hemming and hawing about for years) and it came with a wide screen flat panel monitor. Ahhh….(that’s my sigh of satisfaction) last night after we put the kids to bed, Dan watched an episode of The Office on hulu while I checked my email, at the same time on the same computer. That’s how nice our screen is :)

I’ve had a request for some non-facebook photos of Elijah, for those who are not privy to the world of facebook. So, first, the public link for some facebook photos:

Some Family Photos

Photos of Elijah

Elijah’s Birth

Here we are as a family riding Asha the Elephant. This is Fiona’s favorite event of all time :)

And a couple of new ones to see how the new camera works…

here’s our new computer station

Baby Elijah sporting his new do

Fiona and Elijah posing in their favorite chair ;)

My little man has recently learned to sit up on his own!

And now to post… hope this works!

Happy Birthday Fiona!

2009-08-15T05:25:00.003-05:00

Inquisitive about the world around her, generous with gifts, kisses and food (sometimes all at the same time) and very independent in her capabilities... Fiona is two years old today!

She is the person who introduced me to motherhood, who has changed my perception of birth, and my knowledge of both who God is and who I am. She has become a mirror for me to view myself and the drive for me to become a better self. Lately she is teaching me about forgiveness, grace, and the ability to let go of a grudge. Oh, and sharing :) With the birth of her brother, it seems we are both learning about how not to be an only child.

Fiona loves to have adventures. She's always up for going to the park, the playground or the beach. But, she also frequently asks to go to the zoo, to fly in a plane, swim with a boat or meet a penguin. Her favorite animals are elephants, and her favorite elephant is Asha. In fact, many of her stuffed animals are also named Asha. She loves to read grown up books about animals and her favorite way to clean up is to be a baby animal and use her animal paws or trunk or tail. She loves to go hunting in the back yard for gibbons, frogs, rabbits and squirrels.

Fiona is an adorable mother to her baby dolls, Asha and Shaqueeta, and she loves to make her brother laugh. Sometimes she wants to be a baby, have her diaper changed and be swaddled in a great big blanket, but most of the time she wants to do the diaper changing and swaddling. She also pretends to give birth and helps her stuffed animals go potty. She talks to Elijah the way we talk to her, and frequently can be found describing things to him and teaching him about her world.

She is thoughtful and observant; she takes time to daydream, and would swing quietly for hours if you let her. Her Daddy is her favorite person (she will tell you this without hesitation), and they are a lot alike. Her favorite food is blueberries, and her favorite treat is a chocolate chip. And she's waking up, so I'm off to wish her a happy birthday!

Don't blink--I'm growing up!

2008-02-25T16:06:00.003-05:00

Don't blink--I'm growing up!
Originally uploaded by Toasted Salmon.

Look quick! New photos from October through today have been uploaded, not necessarily in chronological order, but you can see them all at www.flickr.com/photos/toastedsalmon

Fiona has been very busy over the last few months growing and learning. At Thanksgiving she was just starting to stand up with a lot of support, and now she loves to sit on her potty on the kitchen floor and scoot around. She even chases the cat this way. She was sitting up well on her own by Christmas, and has been known to roll over, but seems to have very little interest in doing that very often. She got two bottom teeth the first week of January, loves to show them off with big grins. She isn't very interested in crawling, but loves to stand up with someone's hands or her walking wagon and walk from place to place to explore.

She's very vocal about everything. She makes happy noises and impatient noises and sad noises and sleepy noises. Of course, when she's royally mad, she can make some pretty loud *ahem* angry noises, as well.

She also mimics us a lot more now. When you look at her and grin, she grins right back. If you open your mouth wide and say ahhh, she opens wide and says ahhh. It's really cute. She's saying more consonants in her babble now. Mama, baba, and dada are sounds that show up everyday now. She often says dada, or at least da when she sees Dan, but we respond so much to it, that she says "Da!" to a lot of things now. She loves the cat and shrieks whenever she comes near.

One of her favorite games is when we put her in the car and she starts to get fussy, I'll put the pacifier in my mouth. She looks at me like it's he most hilarious thing, and grabs it out of my mouth, and puts it in her own. Then, if I say, "Hey, I want that," and open my mouth, she puts it in with a big grin. She's so adorable!

The rest of the story... Diaper Free Doesn't Mean Rushing to the Potty While Baby Poops on Everything

2007-10-10T08:15:00.002-05:00

If any of you watched the Today show on NBC this morning, you might have seen an interesting segment on infant potty training, otherwise known as elimination communication. Well, after watching it and listening to the interview, given by a pediatrician to present the opposing view, I just have to weigh in with our experience.

We know it sounds kooky, so we haven't been advertising it, but our baby uses the potty. And she does it pretty consistently. She's been doing it since she was four days old and we love it. It's called Elimination Communication, or EC. This is a picture of her using her little potty with her Daddy's help at 3 weeks old.

What is EC?
Elimination communication is just a fancy way of saying that babies signal their need to relieve themselves from the beginning, and that babies and parents can communicate with each other to respond to this need. In the beginning, they do it the same way they signal everything else, like hunger or discomfort--by crying. When you respond to those needs and talk to your baby about what is happening, your baby learns to communicate with you about it. With feeding, this means that when she cries, I tell Fiona, "It sounds like you're hungry now. Do you want to nurse?" while I'm getting her in position and latching her on. She learned quickly and by 6wks old stopped crying so much when she was hungry and now just makes these adorable "I'm not happy" noises. If we don't understand that she's hungry, then she escalates to crying, and invariably, without fail, if I ask her, "Do you want to nurse?" she stops crying and looks at me expectantly with her mouth wide open.

The same thing applies to the potty. In the beginning she cried when she had a wet or dirty diaper. After we got home from the hospital and had a chance to settle in, though, we started putting her on the potty when she woke up or fussed, and making a cueing sound when she did the deed. She peed in the potty for the first time at 4 days old. Within a couple of days, we were catching most of her pees and poops in the potty, and we realized that she wasn't crying when she had a dirty diaper--she was crying when she needed to use the john and ending up with a dirty diaper because she had no other option.

Over several weeks time, just like with nursing, she has learned she doesn't have to cry when she needs to go, and she's starting to use other signals. She gives little "I'm not happy" noises like a single "Wah!" and stops and looks at us as if to say, "did you hear me?" If we don't understand or try to give her a pacifier or nurse her, she escalates to crying. Then, if we still fail to put her on the potty, she pees or poops and then really cries about it. Sometimes there are other signs, and I don't really know that these are willful signals, but they are useful in letting us know what's going on. For instance, at night she starts squirming in her sleep and grunting like she's uncomfortable. Or, when she's nursing and she's gotta go, she'll pop off repeatedly and stare at me.

So the pediatrician who was on the show was very nice about the subject, but said something that irked me a little. She said it was mostly about parent-training. If you see the baby grunting and you "rush" her to the potty, then manage to catch a poop or a pee "then give mommy the gold star," she said. Her attitude was that it doesn't really work, so as long as your not hurting your baby, keep deluding yourself as much as you like.

I'm thinking she's never really given this a try.

I used to respond to that sort of thinking by saying that parents are also trained to feed their babies when they are hungry by responding to those signals, but Fiona has taught me something even cooler. This communication we have going on is a two-way street. She starts squirming and fussing and I take her and set her on her little baby potty, but often she doesn't pee right away. She waits for the cue. Then she pees. Or if we are out at the mall, and it's so not convenient to find a bathroom, we can go into a dresing room, hold her in position and tell her to go in her diaper, make the cueing sound, and Voila! a poopy diaper ready to change that she didn't have to sit in, and all accomplished in a convenient place for changing (that actually happened when she was three weeks old, btw.) OR, just before we leave the house, I put a fresh T-shirt on her, and set her on the potty. I tell her we're leaving and I want her to try to pee before we go. Even though she hasn't given me any sign of needing to go, I make the sound and a few little dribbles come out. How sweet! She tried even though she didn't need to go! Also, at 6wks old, she had her first completely dry night. She started the night in one diaper, woke me up to potty her every few hours, and never soiled the diaper until the next morning when I missed while making myself breakfast. We've also had a couple of days where we've gone 8 or so hours with the same (clean) diaper. Our dryer broke a couple of weeks ago, and just got fixed yesterday, and that has made a significant improvement in my paying attention, since less diapers means less laundry!

And the best ever was this weekend when we were at church. We nursed before we went in, had a clean diaper, and an awake and happy baby. We're all three sitting there listening to the service and Fiona lets out a single "Wah!" and stops. I jiggle her a little and realize she probably has to pee. I put the pacifier in because I don't want to miss the sermon, and she refuses it. So I start to head out to the mother's room to have her use her diaper, but I think what the heck, we'll have an adventure and keep this diaper clean (less laundry to do while our clothes dryer is broken if it works, right?). So, I say, "just a minute," which is a phrase I've been using consistently anytime she's fussy and has to wait a few seconds before I can take care of what's wrong. We head down to the bathroom, and I leave the diaper bag out on the counter and take her into the stall, take her diaper off, get her in position over the toilet and then give her the cue. Then and only then does she give a huge grunt and pee and poop into the toilet. Wipe, flush, replace diaper and we're done. We head to the mother's room to nurse her to sleep, then back in the sanctuary for the rest of the service. Please note that there was no rushing involved, and there was definite two-way communication involved. And she was 7 weeks old.

All this to say, she's not potty trained or anything, and we do use cloth diapers as a backup. There are times (like in the dead of night) when I just don't have the time or energy to take her to the potty, although I'm quickly learning that if I don't do that, then I'll have to find the time and energy to change a diaper, and they're not a whole lot different. I also want to say that this isn't a parenting competition. So many times people get hung up over the fact that someone is doing something differently from them, and is therefore judging their parenting style. Often EC'd babies are independent with their pottying a little sooner than conventional toilet training, but not always. This isn't about having her potty trained by a certain age. It's really about another opportunity to interact with a person who has very limited abilities to interact with the world around her.

Here's the AP article associated with the segment seen this morning, and a Today show blog with comments where people are discussing the issue. I know this is going to be hotly debated in a few nurses stations in the Baltimore area (Hi, Bayview!) so try to keep an open mind and notice that the "it's impossible" comments are generally from people who have never tried it.

Some EC links:
Diaper Free Baby
Diaper Free Baby's Links Page
MamaRoo-a great explanation with tons of fun links to explore
Yahoo's EC group - Where all the EC'ers get together online. It's a great place to get all sorts of questions answered.
The EC Store - Time to go shopping for tiny undies!

Family Resemblance?

2007-10-05T12:16:00.000-05:00

I've noticed a little family resemblance and I finally caught it on camera, so see for yourself if you think Fiona looks like anyone we know =)

(By the way, that's Dan's dad, Bob, holding 2 week old Fiona.)

And looking back through these photos is already fun--she's growing and changing so fast! So, for another comparison, check out the difference 7 weeks can make:
(That's my mom holding 4day old Fiona and me holding 7week old Fiona)

It's someone else's hair now!

2007-10-05T10:56:00.001-05:00

It's someone else's hair now!
Originally uploaded by Toasted Salmon.

It's been a few years since I cut my hair, and it's time again. This time Annelise suggested we have a girlie day at the salon, so we visited Robert Andrew Salon and Spa. Now y'all know we're pinching our pennies with the new baby and job changes and me staying home, etc, but Dan really wanted me to be able to treat myself to a fun hair cut that I didn't have to do myself. Very cool detail about this salon: they do Locks of Love haircuts for free! So, for no charge at all I got a ton of hair chopped off, someone to shampoo and condition my hair, and a cute new cut. It's still got a little length to it, but to me it feels SOOOO very short! Check out our Flickr page for the rest of the photos.

Here are the Before & After shots:

Adventures in YouTube

2007-10-01T21:56:00.001-05:00

While Eric was here, he helped us use our video camera, and figure out how to post the videos. This is Dan and Fiona when she was five days old doing their hiccup dance. She's had a habit for several months of getting the hiccups each night, and she's kept that habit up even after her delivery. If you watch closely, at around 25 seconds into the video, she's about to hiccup and she looks at Dan as though to see what he's going to do. It was very adorable, especially to get that little bit of interaction from her so early. She still gets them now, by the way.

Go Hokies!

2007-09-30T00:21:00.001-05:00

Fiona Smiles 6wks
Originally uploaded by Toasted Salmon.

Well, I've finally gotten our pictures organized and posted those couple of entries I wrote in the few few weeks. It's taken me a while to figure out how to do the mommy thing and still have a little bit of a life, but I'm starting to get the hang of it. And Fiona's starting to get the hang of routines... sometimes.

At six weeks, she's now routinely smiling when she's awake, and she's very alert. She's starting to be much more interactive and I'm finding that I'm a little more able to read her cues. She cries less and tries to use her voice to get what she wants. When we can't figure it out, or are too busy, that's when she lets us have it with those nicely developed lungs :) Also, her grandma sent a bouncy seat that has toys hanging from it for her to play with this week--and she actually grabs for the toys! Already she's getting better at hitting her mark, and she makes the rattle on it shake around. This may not sound amazing to you, but I'm convinced she's a prodigy :P

Daily life is becoming separated into day and night again. Fiona often sleeps a large portion of the night (except for nursing of course, but we barely have to wake up for that). She and I manage to get out almost every day on some adventure or another. We've been to MOPS, a playgroup down at the beach, the grocery store, Special Beginnings, and the library. We also take walks often and try to spend some time outside when we can. I got a Maya Wrap a week or two ago and I LOVE it! I just snug her up in it and I can get some housework done, or take Cocoa to the beach, or even take a nap if she just wants to be held.

This past weekend the three of us went down to my parents' house for the annual Raiford family reunion. I laughed when I arrived and she was out of my arms before I could get out of the car. There was no lack of love in that place and she slept almost the whole time, even though she was getting jostled and passed around.

We had our first bout with diaper rash this week, and my solution was to keep her nakey-butt, which worked well. The rash was red and angry and spreading yesterday morning, and is completely gone now. Thank goodness for EC--we only went through a couple of diapers and a couple of towels that I kept underneath her throughout the day and the night to catch any messes.

As you can see, we're raising the next generation of Hokies, and she cheered when VT won the game today. Check out the Flickr page for a ton of new photos, and all who have sent us well wishes, please forgive me for not emailing you back for the last several weeks... you can expect one soon if I can continue to make the most of her naps!

Fiona's Second Week

2007-09-14T12:56:00.000-05:00

One fun part of Fiona's homecoming was that Dan's bachelor brother Eric has been living with us these couple of weeks while he is between work and returning to school. I had wondered how we would all mesh with the stress of a new baby and no sleep and trying to establish nursing. Eric, though, has been wonderful to have around. In Fiona's second week, when everyone else had gone home and Dan had returned to work, and I was faced with my first days on my own with her, I woke up to a clean house, thanks to Eric. In the evenings we had someone to hang out with and ooh and ahh over the baby with. When I was covered with spit up, and Dan was out of earshot, Eric was there to hand me a wipe. And, of course, there's the adorable professional quality photos we got out of him. I'm going to be sorry to see him leave for New Hampshire this week.

During her second week, Fiona and I made our first solo outing to visit her Aunt Annelise and Naomi and Quinn on their first day back from Uganda! We successfully ran a couple of errands, visited with them and got home without too much drama. Naomi adored getting to hold Fiona, as did many of our friends that week as we ate dinner out on a few nights. The prep time for leaving the house the first time was like 4 hours, but it cut quickly to more like an hour and a half. That included getting us both showered and dressed and keeping her clean, fed an happy the whole time. There's a bit of a learning curve on that process, but we made it out for two dinner parties and ended the week at the beach again when Dan's dad came to visit for the weekend. Jordan and Jessie had a blast fighting over the baby, and they treated us to some home cooked meals before they left.

Fiona's second week check up was another impressive visit. This time she weighed 10 lbs 10oz and was 21 inches long--that's 95th percentile for weight! She also projectile vomited on the pediatrician :P and was pronounced perfect again. She's a happy growing baby!

Fiona's First Week

2007-09-07T12:45:00.000-05:00

The first couple of days while we were in the hospital were a big blur of people coming in to check us at all hours, and nursing and trying to sleep. I wanted so badly just to get out and go home. Dan helped me out of bed that first night, and I was able to get a shower the next day, which made me feel a little bit like a person again. Some of our friends came to visit, as did Dan's brother, and my parents were there most of the time, too. Having this new baby to take care of was really surreal, though. It sounds odd to say, but I didn't recognize her when she came out. I don't know quite what I was expecting, maybe something out of my own baby pictures, but not this thick dark hair... I felt like that a little bit until we got home and looked in Dan's baby book. It looked to both of us like someone had taken a picture of Fiona and put it in there! That was really neat, to know who she looks like and to have a little Dan in my arms :)

So, we headed home Friday around noon, with Dan driving and my mom up front and me in the back seat with the baby. My mom stayed with us through the weekend and got us through a couple of mini-dramas, including our first trip to the beach with her on Saturday, and getting her blood drawn to follow her jaundice level. She was absolutely amazing, and we would have been floundering without her! She cleaned up, ran loads upon loads of laundry, and cooked for us the whole time. She doted on us and doted on the baby and generally enjoyed being a new grandmother. I'm usually very independent and didn't expect to be so upset to see my mom go.

Dan took the whole week off following her birth, and we got to enjoy a visit from his mom and Jim for a couple of days in the beginning of the week. It's so exciting to see all these new grandparents taking on their new roles! We were pampered with a delicious meal while they were here. On Thursday we went to her one week check up. The pediatrician pronounced her perfect, and she weighed exactly 9lbs 14oz, back up to her birth weight already!

Fiona's Birth

2007-08-25T00:38:00.001-05:00

And now for the long version...

Like I said in my last post, I was awakened in the middle of the night, early on August 14th, with contractions that were strong and regular, but not that frequent. They built in intensity and frequency slowly throughout the day. Slowly enough that I called my mom before she left for work in the morning to let her know she could now begin to get excited (every other time something would happen, I would call and tell her, "Don't get excited, but...") and that we would call her when it was time to head up to our house. At little before lunch we went to the grocery store, but nothing was appealing there, and it was a bit uncomfortable to be walking through the meat department and have to lean over the steaks and ground beef and breathe through a contraction. So, we went out to Macaroni Grill and had delicious pasta while we wrote down the times of the contractions on the paper table cloth. It was fun to do that because I was convinced they were going to go away despite how strong they were. I kept saying to Dan that they were too far apart and this wasn't labor and he would just laugh and tell me how often they were coming. At this point they had been about every 5-7 minutes for over 6 hours...not active labor, but no sign of slowing down, either.

When we got home, we took a walk on the beach, and that's when we really started getting down to business. It's a two block walk from our house to the little community beach that opens out onto the bay. It took a while to get down there, and even longer to get back. We took Cocoa, and Dan started timing the contractions consistently. Dan would throw Cocoa's toy in the water, and every four minutes come back and sit with me through a contraction. I sat on a park bench for a while and tried to carry on polite conversations with a couple of dog owners who were very sympathetic. We walked down to the end of our little beach and by that time I was starting to moan through some of them. Dan started to rate the contractions as well as time them, to see if they were getting generally stronger. What can I say? We're both nerdy that way, and it was encouraging to look back over his little scrap of paper and note that the contractions had gone from a 2 to a 4 in the past hour, and had averaged 3.5 minutes apart. Halfway down the beach I said goodbye to the last of my lunch, which I tried to catch in a little doggie bag. It didn't fit :(

We made our way slowly back home and they were getting strong enough that I felt a little panicky during some of them. I had to really start concentrating on relaxing my body through the contractions, and consciously felt the different muscles in my body working and then relaxing. When we got home, I wanted to try something to distract me, so we set the birthing ball up in front of the computer so I could do some emailing. It felt HORRIBLE. I couldn't handle the pain sitting down like that. Dan propped me up on my hands and knees on the couch with tons of pillows under my belly and chest to support me, and that was manageable. At this point, as it was getting dark, Dan had to support me through each contraction, sometimes holding my hands, sometimes rubbing my back and giving counterpressure. When I changed positions, he sat behind me to hold me up or stood in front of me and let me lean on him. I talked about what I was doing mentally that was helping me cope with the contractions, like focusing on feeling the contraction start, build, peak, relax, and then fade away, and Dan totally came through by talking me through them. I would be moaning and feel my voice getting higher with the pain and Dan would moan with a low voice and bring me back down. Every contraction he was there, talking me through it, speaking to my whole body, helping me relax into each contraction. At some point during all of this, Dan's brother Eric arrived, and was moving his things in. I really don't remember much of that, though, and I don't think he stuck around for long.

Sometime late in the evening, I felt like I was finally able to say that this was labor. I continued to eat and drink, but was also vomiting. The contractions had been consistent and also frequent for a few hours, and they were certainly painful enough, so I had Dan check me just to see if we had made any progress. Still 3cm, but I wasn't discouraged because I had thought all along this was going to take a good 24 hours at least. I thought, ok, so it will be tomorrow afternoon before we have a baby, probably. I moved to the shower at Dan's suggestion, to see if that would give me some relief, and IT WAS AMAZING! I was so thankful for our new bathroom. The warm water came out of this semi-rainshower showerhead. It covered my back, and I leaned over the stool we have in the shower and it ran around my belly and the pain all but went away. I was still having the contractions every 3-4 minutes, but I didn't even have to concentrate to deal with them. I LOVED the shower. I even shaved my legs! I was afraid of using all the hot water, though, and not having any for the tub, which I thought I might want later when I got tired. I went ahead and filled the tub with what was left of the hot water, and Dan got our huge crab pots out and started to boil water to help keep the tub filled with warm water through the night. The tub was not so magic as the shower, though, and you can't exactly boil water for the shower. So, when the water started to cool, I got out, and went back to working on the contractions.

My memories start to get fuzzy here. I went back and forth to the big room and sat on the edge of the couch, or got on hands and knees, tried the same thing on the bed, and generally was just uncomfortable in any position. At some point I realized I'd been up for 24 hours, and thought how weird it was that time just kept passing while I was having these contractions. At some point Dan checked me again and said I was 3.5 cm--that was a little discouraging, because I was working hard and they were every 2-3 minutes all night. Later he had me get back in the tub, which seemed to help, enough that I didn't get back out this time. He kept bringing in more warm water as it cooled, and I kept moaning through the contractions. He didn't have to help me as much when I was in the tub, but faithfully brought me juice with ice and sips of honey to keep me going since I couldn't keep any food down. I couldn't seem to find a good position and kept going from my hands and knees to sitting. At some point he checked me and said I was 4cm. Ok, that was something. Not much, but something at least. He was also amazed because the cervix was much easier to reach that time, which was a good sign, and it was easy to feel the forebag of waters and the baby's head. So, I was encouraged that maybe we were going to start seeing some progress. I was just in this haze of contraction and rest, contraction and rest, but I thought I can do this if it's working.

Sometime around 5am, though, I started to feel the urge to push. I was positive that it wasn't time to push, and a little worried about this. Dan was napping on the floor between contractions and waking up to help me when I needed it, and after a several of these really strong urges to push came and I was unable to keep from pushing, I had him page the midwife on call. It hadn't been long since he had said I was 4cm. JoAnne listened to me push through one contraction and said we should come on in to the birth center. Before I got out of the tub, though, in one huge contraction that made me push so hard, I felt a POP! and my water broke explosively. Quick check of the doptones was great, fluid was clear, and we kept going. Dan packed up a few things while I got myself out of the tub and dressed, and we made the ten minute trip with a little more speed than I would have liked. By this time I was really pushing and almost roaring with each contraction. I think this made Dan a little nervous because he was speeding a little on the way and I was yelling at him to slow down because this baby wasn't gonna fall out when I was four centimeters! Poor guy. It was the first time I yelled at him all night, though :)

I called my mom to tell her what we were doing and had to give the phone to Dan because I had a contraction almost as soon as she picked up. They made arrangements to be picked up by our friends Ray and Kathryn from the airport, and they arrived at the birth center an hour or two after us. My sense of time at the birth center is really out of whack. When we got there and got settled in, Tammy checked me and I was 5/100/0, which was really encouraging to me. Five centimeters dilated, so halfway there, and 100% effaced, which meant my cervix wasn't swelling yet from this pushing. So, we worked on positions. Usually this early urge to push is from the baby being positioned backwards in the pelvis, or OP (occiput posterior). Amid my roaring and pushing through the contractions, Dan and the midwives, David and Tammy turned me in order to try to turn the baby. We tried hands and knees for a while, we tried lunges for just a little bit, we turned me on my left side with my leg supported so that I was almost laying on my belly I was so far over. Eventually, but before my parents got there, I was checked again, and I was 7cm, still 100% effaced. No swelling, despite all that pushing. I was so encouraged. It was the first time that I thought, "Wow, this child might actually come out of me here in this room. I'm really going to do this!" Dan and I were both elated and we moved me to the tub to see if I could get a little more control over these contractions and try not to push.

The contractions, though, got stronger still. They changed. They became this force that I could not reckon with. I just held onto Dan, staring straight into his eyes through each one. At some point my parents came in and said hello, even my Dad, poor guy! I tried to breathe through each contraction. I would feel it rising in me, and would relax my legs, my belly, my shoulders, ride it up, and feel it wash over me, but then it would take over and I would let out this ROAR and bear down like she was coming out any second. I would try panting through it, long slow breaths through it, no matter what, it would take over every time. Another while longer and we checked again. Still 7cm, and now a little swelling on the top of the cervix.

There was no way I was going to dilate fully and be able to push the baby out if I couldn't stop pushing too early, so we decided to go with some IV medication to give me some rest and my best shot at doing this at the birth center. I already had an IV in place for my antibiotics and hydration, so I got out of the tub and into bed, laying on my left side, and got Stadol, a shot in the muscle and in my IV, with some phenergan, both of which will make you sleepy. The hope was that I would be so sleepy that I wouldn't feel the urge to push during my contractions. I did get some rest, but not enough. I fell deeply asleep between the contractions, woke up to push uncontrollably with each one, and feel asleep again immediately after. And the whole time Dan was laying there beside me, holding my hands through the contractions, and sleeping between them with me. An hour or so later, my cervix had swollen so much that I was back to 4cm. The only option left was to transfer to the hospital for an epidural and possible c-section. This had been my fear when we first paged JoAnn early in the morning, so I wasn't surprised, only disappointed.

I got dressed with lots of help, and my dad drove us in our van. I remember his huge hands helping me into the van, thinking how odd this picture was. I never expected my daddy to be there in my labor, since it's such a womanly place and he's such a... manly man. At any rate, it was immensely reassuring to have him there. I was pushing all the way to the hospital (another ten minute ride), and when we got to the (very full) parking garage, there was a bit of comic relief as my dad asked the attendant in his slow southern drawl where he should park for labor and delivery. Just about the same time another contraction rolled through my body and I let out another gigantic roar and pushed with all I had. I guess that poor lady thought I might deliver that baby in the van, so she moved some cones from around the very first spot by the entrance, and there we parked.

My daddy pushed me in a wheelchair up to the labor and delivery unit, and straight to a room they had ready for me while Dan did the paperwork at the front desk. By this time, I was feeling much more lucid, and also was feeling the frustration of having decided to get an epidural and still having to push through each contraction. I got myself changed and was getting on the monitor before my nurse could get in the room. I was ready. Let's do this. Knowing it would be a while before the labwork came back and I could get my epidural, I got another dose of stadol, which did let me nap between the contractions again, but again did nothing to stop the pushing. I finally got relief from the pushing when I got my epidural. That was around 2pm on the 15th. I slept. Dan slept. My daddy said, "The exorcism is complete." Evidently I didn't quite sound like me while roaring through my pushes :)

I had the option of just having a c-section right away when we got there, but I really wanted to give myself every opportunity to do this if I could, so we waited a couple of hours after getting the epidural to see if the swelling would go down and my cervix would dilate. I didn't need any pitocin, since I was contracting every 2-3 minutes on my own. After a couple of hours, David checked me and said I was 5cm, but still very swollen, and so that was that. We called the section, and boy was that a new experience for me. Normally there's a lot to do when that decision is made. Care maps to stamp up, a patient to shave, don't forget the TEDs and SCDs, get OR scrubs for the dad, make sure you have all your baby stuff ready... this time I just laid there. It was all done to me. No papers. Someone else to prep me. I just laid there. By then I'd had a nap, and wasn't feeling a bit of pain, so I was feeling a bit cheeky and was bantering with everyone and trying to help out where I could. Right before we left the room, the baby had a decel--the first and only one ever traced, but I was the first one to hear it, and it freaked me out a little. I couldn't see the strip, but I heard her heartrate drop and I tried to turn to my left. Of course, I couldn't feel ANYTHING below my belly button, so nothing happened. "I need to turn over now!" I'm yelling to my mom and Dan, and they've heard it, too, by now. We turn me first one direction (it's still in the 80's), then the other (still in the 80's), I reach back and open up my IV fluids, and am breathing as deeply as I can when my nurse walks in with the surgeon, anesthesia and my midwife, and the heartrate is back up. They all laugh at the baby for doing that right before we're going to cut anyway, and at me for trying to fix it myself.

Being in the OR was so different than I had imagined. I've never wanted to be the one on that table, always imagined it would feel very traumatic if it ever happened. But, I lived in that OR for two and half years. That very OR is where I learned to circulate and that anesthesiologist was the one (out of all I've ever worked with) whom I would have requested if I could have. I've known the surgeons for years, and have spent many nights sitting up with them talking about everything in life. The nurses were my coworkers and friends. I was very grateful to have such a home court advantage when it came to such a disappointing turn of events for me. Even better was the NICU staff--people I didn't really know at all, who went out of their way to make sure that I wasn't separated from the baby for longer than was absolutely necessary due to short staffing.

During the surgery, there was a mirror for me to be able to watch what was happening on the other side of the curtain. Poor Dan didn't want to look, but when it came time for Fiona to make her appearance, he couldn't help himself, so he ended up watching in the mirror with me. (He could have just stood up.) This was another piece for which I was so very grateful. Being anesthetized from the chest down, I really would have had no concept of when she was born, or that the baby being handed to me came from my own body, which is very disconcerting. The difference for me was watching the entire procedure in the mirror, and talking to the colleagues I'm seeing while it's happening. That made it real and connected for me. I saw them get to the uterus, and heard them exclaim how you could see her lips and nose sticking up, and then had one of them stick his head over the curtain to talk to me... And THEN! ~5:52pm on August 15th~ Then she was out! All gi-normous 9lbs and 14oz of her was out of me, and the relief I felt in my body! It was crazy. Even as anesthetized as I was, when they pulled her out, I felt empty and small again. She was huge!!! and so cute!! And she cried right away, while she was still on the table. The pictures on flickr that show her at birth are courtesy of David. He stayed with us through the whole process, making sure that Dan got all the pictures he should and taking pictures when he couldn't. I am so thankful for so many things that happened to make her delivery an overall positive experience, and David is a big reason for that.

So, they brought the baby to me, I got to touch her and kiss her and say hello before she and Dan went off the NICU for her to get her weights and measures. This hospital doesn't have a nursery (all babies room in with mom), but that means that when L&D is short staffed, babies sometimes go to the NICU while mom is in recovery. There wasn't anything wrong with her, and she came back in about 20 minutes due to the diligence and willingness of the NICU nurses to go out of their way to reunite us. She and Dan met me back in the recovery room, and when my hour was up, the three of us headed to our postpartum room upstairs. That was Wednesday, and we stayed there until about noon on Friday, when we finally headed home. She got a bath in our room, we went with her to get her blood drawn and get her weighed at night. She stayed with us the whole time, has never been out of our sight, and we're completely in love.

It's a little funny because each of us has fallen in love with this new third person in our life. On separate occasions, Dan has uttered some endearment, and I've responded, only to realize he was talking to Fiona. And later, I asked for a kiss and headed for the baby's cheek only to have a misplaced kiss from Dan land somewhere near my eyebrow. Oops! But those little adventures are for another post...

She has arrived! 41wks 4days

2007-08-16T00:11:00.001-05:00

Babyborn
Originally uploaded by Toasted Salmon.

Becky will probably blog in more detail but I wanted to get this info out there for her now while she rests. At 5:52pm August 15, 2007 our baby (Miss Fiona Raiford Kee) was born. Because of a lengthy and complicated labor she could not be born in the traditional manner. Instead she was born by C-section--the doctor's hands shown were all trusted colleagues of Becky's from her time at AAMC. Everything went quite well once we decided that we had to section. Fiona is healthy as a horse and is nursing like a pro. She is 9lbs and 14oz and has a full and thick head of hair. Becky and I are absolutely thrilled. There are more pictures of the baby on our flicker account, click the picture to go there and view them, or click here. All is well here--time to get some sleep after 40hrs of labor for Becky and 36 hours without rest for me. Goodnight--more info to come later.

Hmmm... Am I in labor? 41wks 3days

2007-08-14T04:13:00.000-05:00

So, here I sit at a little after 5am, writing this post, but with no intention of posting this yet. See, I think I'm in labor, or at least headed that way, but I don't want to get everyone excited until I know for sure. I've seen this start and stop so many times with other people. And you've read on this blog about my little spurts of contractions. But these feel different.

They started a couple of hours ago, about 10-20 minutes apart, and I kept dozing between them. They got closer together, like 5-7 minutes apart, and strong. This is not the same feeling I've had before. And believe me, I've been doing things here and there to encourage labor. I've had contractions. They have not felt like this. These are strong. I can see why it would be frightening, and so difficult to go through without any drugs or preparation. If I hadn't already been living and breathing birth for the past 7 years, I would feel these contractions, get my butt to the hospital and demand, "Where's my epidural??" And this is only the beginning--as prepared as I feel in some ways, I honestly have no idea what I'm about to go through.

What I do know is that God knows. I know that my body was designed by Him, to do this job, fearfully and wonderfully made, known to Him before the beginning of time. I know that in this fallen world, where things do go wrong, He is in control, and I don't have to fear those things--He's there in the midst of them. Jesus tells us that the scriptures are specifically applicable to our lives--God's word written to me, even the old "outdated" stuff. Do you want to know some of the things he's been telling me? "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness," (2 Corinthians 12:9); "I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me," (Exodus 20:2); "Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery? says the Lord. Do I close up the womb when I bring to delivery? says your God...I will extend peace to her like a river, and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream." (Isaiah 66:9,12) I have a notebook filling quickly of verses and passages, and thoughts on how God wants to change my heart through this. I am thankful, so thankful, that the word of God is "living and active, sharper than any double edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12)

And so, I'm not posting this yet, because I don't know if I'm in labor, but these are the things going through my head and my heart and I can't wait to start baking a cake for this little girl. When you do read this, you can know that even though it will be just a little while longer, we are definitely on our way. (As though we haven't been on our way the whole time, on our meandering little path through life, just waiting to see what's around the next bend!)

She should be here by Christmas! 41wks 2days

2007-08-13T18:19:00.000-05:00

We had a fun weekend when Dan's mom came up to visit. It's always good to have people around to take my mind off of the waiting. She did something to make it fun, though--she brought her pastels and easel, and I got to paint for the first time! It was actually a bit exhilarating to have this huge paper in front of me on the easel and all these colors to play with. Pastels seem like a unique medium to me since you can put any color on the paper and it shows up, a bit like crayons only way more grown up :) And then, you can paint over one color with another. And then, you can play with the texture of it by smudging with your fingers! I didn't really start with anything in mind to paint, and I ended up with a scene that looks rather kindergartenish in parts, and very full with some decent depth to it in other parts. There is a definite gestating theme going on, as the bottom part looks very much like a seed in the ground, all hidden and waiting to sprout=) I also got hot meals cooked for me and a new paint job on my toenails, courtesy of the grandma-to-be, and I feel quite pampered as I begin my week. Of course, then Eric came over and the three of us sat around the new bathroom soaking our feet in the spa tub and catching up--it's a luxurious life I lead these days!

Today we had a visit at the birth center for an NST (which was reactive--she gets an A+) and then we got a sonogram to check her fluid levels (AFI was 14--also perfect), and I got a little membrane stripping action going on when the midwife checked me. And guess what... I'm THREE centimeters, now! Yea! I've been having some contractions off and on today, and I'm taking some more labor tincture to see if that will encourage anything. We'll keep you updated if anything starts!

I do want to thank all of you (there are so many!) who are reading these posts and praying for us and sending us little notes. We both really appreciate hearing from everyone, and knowing that you're thinking of us. It's very humbling to hear from everyone and know that many people care about what's going on in our little world. So, thanks y'all!

How many earths does it take to make you happy?

2007-08-10T10:05:00.000-05:00

So, this is the sort of thing I find while goofing off on the computer: Take the EarthDay Footprint Quiz... If everyone lived like me, we'd need 3.7 planets! Pretty sad, huh?

I'm this many! 40wks 4days

2007-08-08T17:52:00.000-05:00

We had another prenatal appointment today, and everything is still going well. My blood pressure was a touch on the high side, but nothing to worry about. (And it was back to normal when I got home) On the other hand, I asked the midwife to check my cervix, and guess what!! I'm 2 centimeters! (2/75/-1 to be exact) This is very exciting for me because I haven't really had much in the way of contractions, except for Monday, and prior to that, my cervix was long, thick, and closed. So, while the rest of the world is probably out there wondering when the heck this baby is going to be born, I am utterly excited that my body has managed to dilate an entire two centimeters!

Emotionally, I was already feeling more positive today, and had a good long quiet time this morning that was very recharging and refreshing. I've been taking it easy the last couple of days, playing with the furniture arrangements in our bedroom and napping in the afternoons. I went grocery shopping today and while I was there I got a cake mix, some pink icing and a number "0" birthday candle. The books say you need a labor project, you know =) Dan's been working, but the projects he's working on are local, and he's been able to do a lot of work from home. This means our backyard is filled with sawdust, and I actually get to see my husband anytime I want to brave the heat and go out there. I've got to admit, I mostly just look out the window. Have you been out there? It's freaking hot!

Dan's getting more and more excited about our impending arrival and says that she is just perfect, and she's taking advantage of being a baby for as long as possible. I think Dan and the baby are both cute! He also says she's just like her mama, who, when the alarm sounds in the morning, rolls over and whines, "Just one more minute..."

Sweet times - 40wks 2days

2007-08-06T22:11:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was an amazing sabbath for me. Church was full of my favorite worship songs and people stopping us to pray for our baby and wish us well as we bring her into the world. Our close friends were all around us, the sermon was uplifting, the communion sweet, and the praise felt like a gift from me to God, the way it should be. I'm so full of hope that I might be able to bring our little girl with us next week--outside of my body! I've felt very let down the last week or so to not have already given birth, and yesterday was full of God bringing me back to the point of trusting Him. I really needed a swift kick in the pants in this regard, and I feel duly reminded :) The bottom line is that the Maker of this universe is more than able for largest catastrophe that can hit my little life. More than that, He has promised that He actually cares what happens in my life. "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 remains one of my favorites. How easy it is to forget that God is in control and actually has a plan that He is executing in this world...

Dan surprised me with a fun date for the afternoon. We went out to lunch at Chevy's, which always seems to be the best place for us to connect. Something about sitting in the booth devouring chips and salsa seems to make the conversation flow. He's so excited for this little girl to arrive, and it thrills me to see how his emotions unfold through all of this. Trust comes so much easier for him, it sometimes seems, and he was very encouraging. I joke that I'm not really pregnant, just bloated and PMSing, and he grins at me and talks about what it will be like "in just a few days" to have this tiny little new person in our lives. We went shopping after lunch and picked out a couple of books for her, and talked about what it will be like to be reading bedtime stories.

Later, we got a surprise visit from Eric and Chris G., and a little impromptu jam session as they had just returned from a traditional music festival in West Virginia. It sounded like tons of fun, and I can't wait to try it out next year. The rest of the evening we spent relaxing at home on the couch together. One of the cool things about being married to someone you grew up with is that reminiscent conversations can go on for hours and you remember things together from as far back as the Gingerbread house. We talked about classmates from elementary school, and the awkwardness of middle school and high school when it came to the opposite sex, and who we wanted to "go with." Back then, you didn't date. You went together. Anyway, it's fun to look back on those crushes and remember what our relationship was like all those years ago.

So, today I'm still high from my day of rest and I'm getting the guest room ready for guests, since it's going to be busy for the next month or so. Eric has requested a niece for his birthday present (he and Pat turn 29 tomorrow!) so I'm going to head to bed and see what I can do about that =)

G'night!

D-Day - 40wks 0days

2007-08-04T23:18:00.000-05:00

Today was Baby Kee's official due date, but she didn't seem to notice. Her daddy finally FINISHED THE BATHROOM today!!! And her mama was very excited about it. So excited, in fact, that we just sat in the bathroom talking for a long while before heading to bed. Eventually, we looked at each other and asked, why are we sitting in the bathroom?

It was a long and satisfying day--I got up a little after six and it was cool enough outside that I could no longer stand to look at the jungle that has become our front yard. We have some very neat plants out there, but who could tell through all the weeds? I clipped the flower stalks off of the lamb's ears, which have spread nicely to cover most of the front of the house, and pulled up two large yard bags full of weeds, some of them as tall as young trees. We haven't had rain but once in almost two months now, and it seems like everything that I want to grow has sat still, not dying, but not growing. The grass and weeds in the flower beds, though, have taken off and thrived. I shouldn't say everything. I do have a lot of drought tolerant plants, and my succulents are blooming beautifully. My main gardening philosophy is if it needs babying, it doesn't grow in my yard. I tend to just plant things and let them go, and I am impressed that I haven't lost any of my little green babies in this hot dry spell. My front yard is full of fun herbs like lavender, rosemary, sage, chives, thyme, mint, fennel, lemon verbena, evening primrose, and lemon balm, and none of them seem to mind growing in these conditions. My favorite plant this year has been a very aggressively growing butterfly bush right outside the front window that has become a lunch buffet to bazillions of butterflies this summer. Sammy Cat loves it, too! She sits in the window and watches and paws at them, and then she gets smart and goes outside to paw at them, and they leave for a bit. Luckily, she hasn't had much success hunting them.

So, several hours in the morning spent bending over and squatting amounted to a very sore me, so I got a shower and laid down this afternoon for what Bahari calls a "body crash." A little before 5pm, I woke up and my bathroom had been transformed by the last bits of paint touch up into a finished work of art. Pictures will come tomorrow, I promise!

Dan took me out for dinner to celebrate--and there's so much we have to celebrate! His new business is actually providing for us, my new job lets me stay home, the bathroom is DONE (minus some decorative touches that I still have to decide on), and this baby is going to be here any day now! I can't tell you how blessed we feel right now. How amazingly cared for and blessed... and all I can do is sit here and sigh and thank God for it all.

Make a new plan, Stan - 39wks 4days

2007-08-01T12:16:00.000-05:00

We went to the birth center one more time this morning for another NST and blood draw. When we walked in, I was the current topic of discussion. You see, it's unusual to have your water break and then reseal, which is what we think happened. But really no one knows how unusual it is because in most cases women are induced if their labor doesn't start within the first day. In my case, though, I stopped leaking after two days. And, ever since then, every test we've had has been normal. No evidence of continued leaking, no evidence of infection, and the baby shows every sign of being healthy and happy right where she is. And, no reason to induce. So, we all decided that today will be my last day of testing, and I'll go back next Wednesday for my next prenatal appointment. I'm officially just pregnant again, and my due date is this Saturday, and it's normal to go as much as two weeks past your due date. I'm happy to not have to keep getting my blood drawn, and that I'm not really facing the risks of infection that I would be if I was still leaking, but I'm a little bummed that I'm "just pregnant" again :)

So, today, I'm rearranging furniture, catching up on thank-you notes, and cooking for my man. And still contracting a little, but nothing to write home about. Stay tuned and we'll let you know when the excitement starts (again)!

Lazy day with some regular contractions - 39wks 3days

2007-07-31T21:57:00.000-05:00

Spent today reading some books from the library. Finished two, and am working on the third, but I feel extraordinarily lazy for it :)

I have been contracting irregularly all day, though, while I read. Sometimes every 15 minutes, usually every 30. Then, this evening, they got to be every 2 minutes for a couple of hours. But, of course, they're slowing down again. It's encouraging when I have contractions like this, though. At least my body's warming up to do what it needs to do.

Enough pot-watching. I'm off to bed... I'm sleepy-tired :)

Another day of waiting - 39wks 2days

2007-07-30T21:38:00.000-05:00

Well, I had a lovely and distracting visit from my family, which has done wonders for my impatience. We went out to Red, Hot, and Blue for lunch before they headed back home this afternoon. I was definitely sad to see them go. It's always a party when the girls come to see me and this has been no exception. I basically got to forget about how I'm going crazy waiting for a baby to come out, and instead we went shopping, ate ice cream, and took pictures of Kaylee and Dan dancing.

Later this afternoon I went to the birth center again and got to visit with Laurel, the nurse who oriented me when I worked there. She's so sympathetic, but also spent a good deal of time laughing at my predicament, especially when I told her we had let everyone know that my water broke. We just don't handle it the same way at Special Beginnings, which means that very rarely, you get someone in my situation. All excited and ready and then... hurry up and wait.

At any rate, the baby showed off again on her NST--I've never seen a more beautiful and textbook-perfect strip. Laurel drew my blood again, and we looked over my previous results. My cultures were negative (which means no GBS--yea!) and everything has been exactly what it should be. David (one of the midwives) stopped in to see me while I was on the monitor, and his impression at this point is that my bag of waters had a leak, but has most likely sealed over. I'm basically back to being a 39wk primip, except that I still get monitored and blood drawn just in case.

On the labor front, no real contractions today. Here's hoping it happens soon anyway...

Grandma comes to visit - 39wks 1day

2007-07-29T14:30:00.000-05:00

Very mild, occasional contractions are all I've felt since yesterday afternoon, so we're just hanging out and enjoying a visit from my mom, my Aunt Sue, and my cousin Meg with her daughter Kaylee. Church this morning was wonderful with so many people wishing us well an praying for us. Sue and Meg had made us a big Sunday dinner that included squash, corn, and tomatoes from the garden, and then we went out to do a little shopping.

And now, here's a little something from Kaylee:
n' uvbbb iu u \\\\ \\\ \]]] ]]]]]]]]]]]]]
/ /v '// G

On that note, I'll get back to visiting :)

Practice Makes Perfect - 39wks 0days

2007-07-28T15:51:00.000-05:00

I got a lot of practice this morning, but it turns out it was just that--practice. The contractions spaced out over the next several hours and then went away completely for a while. This is just how it goes for a first time mom. My body has to figure things out and it takes a while. Patience may be a virtue, but it's not one that I possess in great quantities, so this has definitely been emotionally trying for me. Dan is staying upbeat, and is encouraged that every day I contract more and more. Patience is something he's never had in small supply. Some days I think the man is nearly a saint. Until he leaves his dirty socks balled up on the couch, that is. :)

Went to the birth center and saw Jessica today. One of my favorite midwives, she's moving to England very soon, so it's been really fun to be going through all this with her still here. She's a really neat person, and I remember the first time I met her when I was an L&D nurse at the hospital here in Annapolis. We got on the subject of home birth, and I found out she'd had her first baby at home in New Hampshire. At the time, I hadn't met anyone who had actually done that, even though I'd read tons of literature on how safe it is and how many people are now choosing that option. She's also a knitter, and I'm going to miss late nights at the birth center poring over knitting projects while someone's in labor.

Anyway, so, at the birth center, I got another NST (the baby is beautifully reactive and healthy), and some more blood drawn. So far, everything looks great. No signs of infection, and I finished my 3 days of antibiotics this afternoon. I still have my IV in (optimistically) in the hopes that I go into labor soon. I'll be treated with antibiotics in labor, so I haven't taken out the IV in the hopes that labor happens in the next couple of days.

Here's hoping my body keeps practicing, and that practice makes perfect very soon!

Still contracting! 39 wks 0days!

2007-07-28T05:48:00.000-05:00

So, here's something interesting...I managed to sleep a few hours, but by 6am, I can no longer stay in the bed. The contractions are just too hard to deal with lying down. Coming about every 3-5 minutes, and still not really really strong, but they are definitely there, and have been for a couple of hours. Let's just hope they stay there!

Fine print: First babies take forever, so you're all only allowed to get a tiny bit excited. These contractions could still go away, or they could stay and it could still be a couple of days... The fun part is just patiently waiting =)

We're going for a walk, now, which makes me and Cocoa happy. Poor Dan--I hope he got some sleep the other night!

More contractions, but not quite labor... 38 wks 6 days

2007-07-28T00:25:00.000-05:00

Went to the birth center and saw JoAnn again today. Got my antibiotics refilled, and got an exam to see if I'm still leaking fluid. Good news is that I'm not, which decreases the worry for infection. We're still going to monitor things with blood draws and NSTs periodically, but no one is anxious to induce me or anything like that.

Meanwhile back at home, I had an adventurous evening of contractions. Some nice and strong, some pretty darn mild, and no regular pattern that stays with me more than an hour or so, but it seems like each day my body does a little more of this start and stop contracting. As Pat says, we're taking a meandering path to birth. Which is just fine since my cervix appeared to still be long and not very dilated on that exam this afternoon. It's going to take a lot of these contractions to soften it up and get it to dilate. So, right now, I'm typing standing up, because it's easier to deal with the contractions in that position. They've been every two minutes for the past couple of hours, but they're starting to slow down now. I'm going to try heading to bed--it is pretty late, and poor Dan and Cocoa are already snoozing.

First, though, a song that keeps playing through my mind. Emotionally, I'm so very up and down. It's so exciting that we're this close, and so disconcerting that we still don't know how close we are. There's a song by Mercy Me that I keep humming and thinking, and it's funny because this is one of those few times when any of us would actually wish for the pain to start. I didn't like this song at first because when I was thinking of rain, I was thinking of tragedy, but it turns out that really, I have an opportunity to praise Him even in the middle of this waiting game. And maybe the pain of just plain old labor is enough without imagining "tragedies." Anyway, here are the lyrics (and you can youtube it to hear the song, I'm sure)--

Bring The Rain
by MercyMe

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than
my pain you who made a way for me suffering
your destiny so tell me whats a little rain

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing

everybody singing
Holy holy holy
you are holy
you are holy

A good night's sleep 38wks 6days

2007-07-27T10:09:00.000-05:00

I slept for 12 hours!!! I haven't done that in months and it felt glorious. I have a feeling I won't do it again for years and years, so I'm really basking in the luxury of the moment. A few strong contractions overnight, though, was all that I had labor wise. The bathroom is coming along nicely, though, and Dan is putting the tub surround up today!

I'm still on the antibiotics, but I haven't been leaking any fluid in the last day, so when I go in to the birth center today, I'll get checked to see what's happening, and a culture to make sure I'm GBS-. As long as things stay fine (no fevers, infections, etc) we'll just keep waiting for my body to do this in its own time.

A little labor tease 38wks 5days

2007-07-26T16:43:00.000-05:00

Today I was encouraged a little when I started to get some good contractions. I mean really good. Like, huffing and puffing and holding on tight to the counters kind of contractions. They were every 2-3 minutes and getting stronger and stronger for almost an hour, and then...poof! Gone again. Oh well :)

We went to the birth center this afternoon where I got my blood drawn, antibiotics refilled, and an NST (where you watch the baby's heartrate on the monitor) and everything looked great. The baby was beautifully reactive on the monitor, and everyone was full of well wishes at the birth center. Jess, one of the midwives, was very encouraging, telling me to be patient. Everyone's been full of stories of women who's water was broken for days and days before they went on to deliver normally. It's a very positive envionment.

So, I'm sitting here with my antibiotic hanging from a nail on the wall, and as soon as it's finished we're heading to Home Depot for more stuff to finish the bathroom. It's coming along nicely, by the way :) Maybe I'll post some pictures tonight. Stay tuned...

Wishin' and Hopin' 38wks 5days

2007-07-26T08:43:00.000-05:00

Good Morning!

Baby Kee has established that she is very happy right where she is. So, we're just waiting... Continuing with the antibiotics, some labor stimulating techniques at home, and nesting away :) We'll take another trip to the birth center this afternoon to refill on those antibiotics, and at this rate, Dan might actually be able to finish the bathroom touch ups before the baby gets here!

A fun day, but no labor yet... 38wks 4days

2007-07-25T19:06:00.000-05:00

So, it's been a long day, since I didn't get a whole lot of sleep after my last post. We got up this morning to loads of well wishes. Thank you all so much for praying for us and thinking about us--we really appreciate it.

On the labor front, there's not a lot happening. A few strong contractions here and there, and lots of mild ones here and there, and that's about it. We had lunch with Eric (mmmm... Indian food!), and did a little shopping. We got our car seat installed (Thanks everyone that gave us that!) and are playing house with all the baby stuff we've gotten lately :) We're doing a few things to encourage labor to start, but are still trying to stay relaxed about the whole thing. We took a trip to the birth center for a an IV and some antibiotics to prevent infection, and I'll keep taking those every four hours. Then we stopped at the mall and got a blizzard =)

I'm really lucky to be able to go through all this at home. This is the beauty of midwifery care--I'm getting the medical care I need without having to stay in the hospital. It's a wonderful thing to take walks in my neighborhood, nap in my bed, and play with my dog while we wait.

So, we're still waiting... and we'll keep posting when there's news.

My water broke! 38wks 4days

2007-07-25T01:43:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I continued to have the same off and on contractions, nothing special, except that there were definitely 3 or 4 that I had to breathe through. Makes it weird when you're trying to be all professional at work and the baby's doing acrobatics and I have this nice strong contraction and I really really have to pee! But, in all, nothing to indicate labor is approaching.

On the way home from work, Baby Kee and I had a nice long talk about how smoothly we want this labor to go, how we're both ready for it, and if she wants to come tonight, that's alright with me.

So, off to bed we go. A little after 2am, I have to pee, so I do my walrus dance to get this body out of the bed, and realize that my underwear is wet. Hmmm...not a huge gush, but enough to know that I didn't pee on myself. My water broke.

Poor Dan. I yell out to him from the bathroom, "Honey?"
"*sleepy mumble*"
"I think my water broke!"
Sounding a little more awake, "For real?"
"Yeah, for real."
Lights go on, and instantly he's there, "What do you need me to do?"

He's so sweet.

We already had a doppler rented for our trip to WVA, so a quick check of heart tones keeps me from having to wait to feel if the baby is still moving. She sounds beautiful. I have some pH paper that shows whether this is truly amniotic fluid, and it is. The fluid is clear, which is a good sign.

So, I call the midwife, and while I'm waiting for her to call back, Dan and I pray together about the labor and the baby and most of all for God's will in all of this. JoAnn is the midwife on tonight, and we talk a bit when she calls back. She laughs at how I don't need to come in to document rupture of membranes since I did that already, and gives me the normal precautions. It's so sweet to have coworkers and colleagues as my midwives, because we talk about how disappointed I am that my water has broken before labor starts, and she understands my concerns, but is very reassuring.

So, now I'm all excited, but have had a whopping one contraction in the last hour. I'm going to finish drinking my juice and head back to bed. It's a perfect time to call Annelise, since she's already awake, but no answer in Uganda right now. Oh, well, hopefully labor will get started after a good night's sleep.

Prayer requests -
For labor to start SOON!
For safety from infection (which is the main risk when your water is broken)
For our little girl to make it safely into the world, no matter how she does it
For her mama's strength and endurance through all of this
For her daddy's sanity :)

Check back soon for updates!

Time marches on - 33wks 4days

2007-06-20T16:38:00.000-05:00

Whoah! I looked up and it's 6 weeks later already! Oops!

A lot has happened in the last month or so. We bought that minivan--we got a really good deal on a Honda Odyssey from a dealer in Pennsylvania. It has lots of fun features like heated seats and a dvd player, but honestly, the features we've been enjoying are much simpler. My favorite is the functioning wipers and wiper fluid. You just turn them on, and they work. Every time. Amazing. Other things work, too, like the driver's side window--it goes down AND up! And none of the idiot lights ding on the dashboard while you're driving down the road. This is a very luxurious life we lead at the moment :)

Another big thing that happened is I GOT A NEW JOB!!! This is exciting because it means I get to stay home with the baby!!! I can't tell you how long and fervently we've prayed for me to be able to stay home. Pretty much since we've been married, maybe even a little before we were married we started praying for that. It's been a huge priority for us, and we've had no idea how we might manage it. But, God is good, and as usual, He has impeccable timing. This new job is with a company called Health Care Strategies, which does medical review for various insurance companies. It requires a good bit of in-office training which will be conveniently completed about a week before my due date. After that, I never have to go into the office again. I work completely from home on nights and weekends, about 20 hours a week. I already have an office set up in the closet of our guest room. Everything is done on the computer and telephone, so it doesn't take much space, but it does need to be dedicated space. Dan is very handy for things like office-building :)

Which brings me to another huge thing that has happened recently. Dan got his Maryland Home Improvement Contractor's License and has officially started business as Kee Carpentry. It's scary and really fun to watch him stepping out on his own. He does excellent work, and has had people calling him for jobs so that he's getting booked into August now. This is another thing that we've been praying for since I can remember--his calling and his ability to provide for our family in a way that's satisfying to him. I can't tell you how incredibly blessed I'm feeling with how these prayers are being and have been answered, and in such a way that we have to continue to lean on God--none of this is our own doing, and yet the provision remains steady and constant and even abundant despite our circumstances.

And of course, we had a few family events in the past few weeks that have kept us on the go... My aunts threw me a baby shower a couple of weeks ago--it was an absolute joy to be home with the women of Corinth and my family around me all welcoming this little one. We were showered with several hand-made items that will be cherished for many years to come, including some antiques from Dan's babyhood that his mother made for him and his brothers. I can't get over all the time and love that went into those gifts and even just organizing that little get together. It's not easy to do for someone who lives so far away and we are so grateful!

This past weekend we were able to attend the wedding of Dan's brother Pat to his college sweetheart, Meg. It was a beautiful ceremony at Meadowlark Gardens in Vienna, VA. It's always so fun to get to see all of our family and a real treat just to be a part of something so special for two people that we love so much. They're honeymooning in the Caribbean right now--and I'm just a teeeeney bit jealous! Of course Bob and Jordan came to stay with us for Father's Day after the wedding, and they brought Jessie, which of course meant we spent a good portion of our weekend on our own little beach. So, I'm still kinda pink from that, and in a way I got to have a little beach vacation of my own!

So, with the start of a new business for Dan and a new job for me, both in addition to our current jobs and the continuation of projects like the bathroom and office, and all the traveling and visiting, you can see why it's been a while since the blog was updated. I finish working at the hospital on July 6, and Dan finishes his old job this Thursday. We're both looking forward to our West Virginia vacation like a beautiful pool in the middle of a desert. And after that, there's only one big event left to wait for...

27wks 2days - Getting ready for baby... in so many ways :)

2007-05-07T08:52:00.000-05:00

The past few weeks we've been looking at our finances with an eye toward the upcoming year. I will hopefully be staying home with the baby, which definitely affects what we'll be able to spend and how we'll be spending it. When we started looking at how we spend our money now, we realized that we've fallen into a pattern of buying groceries with the intent to cook healthy meals (read: organic food and lots of fresh produce and lean cuts of meat), then coming home to work overtime and spend our "spare" time on the bathroom, and eating out because there's no time to cook or clean it up. This means we spent a rediculous amount of money for two people for food. This month, we cut that in half, even with the trips to my parents house and visitors. The fun part was living off of the food that we already had in our house for the first few weeks. It is amazing how much food we had between our cabinets, our upstairs fridge and freezer, and our deep freeze. I finally ate all of that cereal I had leftover from my first trimester. (there were ten different boxes sitting on my kitchen table for months!) And I've become very creative with the meals I make. Dan, however, has not been as creative with the names he gives my dishes. A big batch of "gop" lasted us almost a week =) Despite the less than stellar name, he did like it and ate it all up!

We're also getting ready for baby in another way. This past week when meeting with my mentor, we were talking about my car and how it still seems to be running. We had thought a couple of months ago that we'd have to buy something new soon, but then the car kept going and so I told my friend that I'm not sure when we should buy something, since the car is still working just fine. So what did we do? When praying, she specifically asked God for wisdom for Dan and I to know when to buy the new vehicle. The next day, on my way to work, ding!ding!ding! goes the idiot light for the engine temperature. My car's overheating... hmm... I call Dan, and pull over, and refill my coolant resevior with water which we keep in the trunk because these things come in handy with a car this old. A few more miles down the road, and it happens again. Only two miles left to get to work, so I wait for it to cool down, and make it into the parking lot as the guage is topping off again.

Also, during all this, the engine starts doing this funny chugging/lurching thing. I tell Dan what we prayed for, and he just laughs. At the end of my shift, I refill the coolant with more water, and I only have to stop once on the way home, but the temperature is maxing out again as I pull into the driveway. Dan spends the weekend cleaning out the coolant system, and changing the oil to see if this helps, and getting the paperwork together for a car loan. It does help, for a little bit, but the next time I go to work (which is in Baltimore), I drive the truck and since he works in Annapolis, he takes the car. It overheats again. Off to the mechanic it goes. And me? I'm car shopping! Minivan land, here we come!

26wks 4days - We're growing a gymnast :)

2007-05-02T07:44:00.000-05:00

I'm hoping to post some pictures when I get home from work tonight, as we've had a couple of sonograms since the last time I posted them. Even though life keeps going and things keep happening, time does not stand still in utero to wait for me to be finished dealing with my "regular" life and be ready to focus on Baby. So, in the past couple of weeks, her movements have grown, her body has grown, and *my* body has grown!

I was in gymnastics as a child (LOVED it) and I think this little one is practicing already. Even as I'm sitting here, I can feel her flipping from head down to feet down, and back to head down. She gets herself turned sideways, and stretches my belly out and I just have to stop and wait, and then flip! there she goes again. Her movements are strong enough that you can see by belly do this little bounce thing when she kicks.

And my belly! It's getting bigger! I mean, it's not huge yet, but it's in the way sometimes. I find myself trying to squeeze past people at work, or between a chair and wall, and just getting stuck, because I forget that I don't fit anymore. I did some weeding on Monday, but when I bent over to pick out the chickweed clumps, it was actually painful--there's just no room for me to bend over like that anymore. So I ended up sitting crosslegged and leaning forward, which gave my belly more room. And while it all still fits, some of the smaller maternity shirts are getting full. I can see that they will most likely not last into August. I look down at myself and wonder how it can get much bigger, how much more size do I have left to gain?

25wks 6days - A long couple of weeks

2007-04-27T08:20:00.000-05:00

Wow, it's been a while since I've been able to post, though I've been journaling at home. A lot has happened in a few weeks. The same week that Uncle John passed away, we lost a member of our church to suicide. Just as we were getting home and beginning to process everything, the Virginia Tech shootings rocked our world again. Yet, in the middle of the sadness and grief, Dan passed his exam for his contractor's license, we were baptized this past Sunday, and we've been celebrating the growth of this little one who now makes my belly visibly move when she kicks! Emotionally, there have been so many swings up and down, and the lesson has definitely been how unchanging God is.

There's a study I'm doing with my friend Kathryn called the Destined series. Throughout the study, they reinforce the faith principal, which relies on the fact that once you've established that the Word of God is true, you can trust it, even if your emotions and circumstances tell you otherwise. This is the essence of faith. Not believing in something when it feels right, and then abandoning it when it no longer produces the same emotions, but trusting that a good decision has been made and sticking with it. The same thing applies in marriage--you make a committment, a decision, and you stick with it, even when it's hard, even when it doesn't feel right. The only reason I can honestly see sticking with someone who is human and capable of hurting me so deeply, though, is because there is a God that I can trust. I know that the people around me will fail me, hurt me, leave me at some point--it's unavoidable in this life. However, God promises to never do those things, and even more, to give us new life without those inevitable pains, and that is something that's worth my faith.

24 wks - Life remembered

2007-04-14T19:11:00.000-05:00

Saturday April 14, 2007 24wks

My Uncle John died this Wednesday. I am so thankful to have had the chance to tell him goodbye in person. I’m also thankful for the chance to say my goodbye with Friends at his funeral today. Those of you who were at our wedding may remember that there was no preacher to say a service and have us repeat vows. Instead we were surrounded by people who loved us sharing stories of our lives and well wishes for our future. I love the church we go to at home, but there’s something about a meeting for worship for the purpose of laying someone to rest that is so healing, and I think it offers the best way to let someone go in a healthy way. Instead of someone saying a eulogy while everyone sits quietly, in a Friends meeting, you start with the sitting quietly, and before long, you’ve heard childhood memories, laughed and cried and shared your own stories, and you’ve thoroughly remembered the life of this person you loved. It was a beautiful day, and a beautiful life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here is the obituary that was published after his death:
Raiford, John C.
Thursday, April 12, 2007

Nags Head, NC
John Calvin Raiford, 80, a former resident of Alexandria, VA. and a resident of Nags Head, NC since 1992, passed away at his home on Wednesday, April 11, 2007 with his family by his side. Born in Southampton County, VA, he was the son of the late Philip Malone Raiford and Otelia West Raiford. He was a graduate of Ivor High School, Earlham College, earned his Masters of Education from the University of Virginia, and his Masters of Art from the University of Nebraska. He taught at Ivor High School, Thomas Dale High School in Chesterfield, Va, Waynesboro High School, and retired from T. C. Williams High School in Alexandria, VA, after teaching for more than 30 years; and he conducted student tours of Germany, Russia, Italy, France, and England. Mr. Raiford was a member of the Nags Head Board of Attestment; an active member of the Virginia Education Association, and the National Education Association.

He is survived by two sisters, Lorraine R. Sheffield of Waverly, VA, and Mae Brown and husband, David, of Greensboro, NC; a devoted friend of many years, Max Moore of Nags Head, NC; and his extended family of several nieces and nephews. He was predeceased by two brothers, George Philip Raiford and Walter Raiford; and one sister, Frances R. Neave.

Funeral services will be held Saturday, April 14, 2007 at 2 p.m. at Corinth Friends Meeting in Ivor, Virginia with Jeff Crim officiating. Interment will follow in Rosemont Cemetery, Sedley, Virginia. The family will receive friends Friday evening from 6:30 until 8:00 p.m. at the Purviance Chapel of J. T. Morriss & Son Funeral Homes and Cremation Service in Wakefield, Virginia. In lieu of flowers, memorial donations may be made to the Albermarle Hospice, P.O. Box 189, Elizabeth City, NC 27909, or Corinth Friends Meeting, 13494 Corinth Rd., Ivor, VA 23866. Condolences may be posted on our website at www.jtmorriss.com.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a lighter note, Baby Kee is officially viable today. While it may sound a bit morbid to think about, this is an important mile stone for people to cross and is something I think about on a daily basis at work as it pertains to my patients. It means that if something were to happen and we delivered the baby early, her chances of survival actually exist now, and are getting better each day.

23wks 1day- Another family weekend!

2007-04-08T09:51:00.000-05:00

Happy Easter!

We had a visit from Bob and Jordan this past weekend, and got to spend time with their granddaughter Jessie and her friend Brianna, as well as have dinner with Pat and Meg. It was fun adventures for all. The girls were so excited about the baby the first night they were here that we sent the boys out for pizza and promptly drug out the latest bin of baby clothes to sort through and ooh and ahh over. And of course, the next day, we had to go out and purchase a few more outfits for the baby. She’s going to be better dressed than I am, that’s for sure!

While Dan worked, the rest of us shopped and lunched and napped, and then we he got home, we headed down to the beach with Cocoa. The girls had a mission to accomplish—they were determined that since they were at the water, they should go swimming. Cocoa, of course, agreed. =) After quite a bit of hemming and hawing, and a little nudging, swim they did despite the mildly blustery weather. We went home to a fire and burgers and a visit from Pat and Meg. We did get quite a few name suggestions out of the weekend though.

I’m working this weekend, which is a little sad, since I’m missing Easter at our home church, Mariners. It’s amazing how many people don’t even know why the Easter holiday exists. The girls at work brought in eggs and dye kits and we decorated Easter eggs, but none of us could figure out how that relates to Jesus’ death on the cross and resurrection on Easter Sunday. I’m sure someone out there knows. Or I could Google it. But here’s what I do know. Today is a very very special day. Way more special than Christmas, even, because about 2000 years ago, God came to earth in the form of a man, lived an amazing life in which he did all the things that humans do, but he didn’t get caught up in the baggage the way we do—he never sinned. He spent a few years teaching people about himself and the relationship he wants to have with us and then he let those people kill him. Not because he’s a good teacher, or because he was a prophet and it was his time. But, because he was paving the way for us to be with God. See, a truly just God cannot simply ignore sin—it must be paid for. The only one who can pay a debt like that for others is someone who doesn’t already owe his own debt. Jesus’ death on the cross did just that, but it was his resurrection that we’re celebrating. There is victory over death, a reason to hope beyond this life, and a grace that covers anything I can come with to screw up this life. God promises the same resurrection for those who recieve His gift of grace. That, to me, is pretty amazing. If you’re interested in more of the details on the who, how, and why, check out this short but informative read: More than a Carpenter by Josh McDowell

22wks 3days - A family weekend

2007-04-03T07:29:00.000-05:00

This past weekend we took a trip south and stayed with my parents for a brief visit. It wasn't as long as we'd like, but it was nice to see everyone, and it was jam packed with family that we don't often get to visit with. Saturday we caught up on a little sleep, then headed to the beach where we got to spend a little time with my Aunt Mae and Aunt Tootsie, and visit a little with my Uncle John.

My Uncle John isn't doing so well, and we wanted to take the chance to see him while we could. He gets tired very easily these days, so we couldn't stay long, but I got to have a sweet conversation with him and share a picture of the baby. The best part was that we decided on her middle name, and I got to share that with him, too. He has always been a favorite among all the cousins, and it was so sweet to be able to spend that time with him and share his joy about our little one. He speaks slowly and deliberately from the strokes that he's had, but his mind is clear, and he spoke frankly about his condition and with obvious joy at getting to be with the people that he loves. It was a visit that I will treasure.

We flew home (the return trip of little Maxine Tallulah's first plane ride!) and had pizza at Joe's for lunch. My mom actually got to feel the baby move! I sat back feeling kind of stuffed and she was kicking and Mom put her hand on my belly and got a tiny wallop! When we got hom, we enjoyed a walk with the dogs before having my mom's family over for supper. I stuffed myself on yummy corn pudding... mmmm! We oohed and aahhhed over baby clothes and giggled over baby names and generally had fun.

21wks 4days - Cuteness Update

2007-03-28T06:57:00.001-05:00

19wks 4days Official Sono Profile
Originally uploaded by Toasted Salmon.

Baby Kee is at it again... Here are some photos from the past couple of weeks, now available on the flickr page. She had some playtime with the nurses at Bayview, and her official sonogram. Yesterday, we practiced our sonograms at the pregnancy clinic (another nurse and I are working toward being able to do them independently, which requires over 50 supervised sonograms), and she was proclaimed very photogenic. The machine there lets us put in a dvd and record the sonogram, so we have video of her bouncing around, waving her hands, and sucking and swallowing.

This sharing of my body with another person is starting to get interesting. I've had a couple of contractions in the last two weeks, which was an interesting sensation. It's completely normal for your body to practice these things long before the big day, so it's nothing to worry about. They weren't painful at all, just the flexing of a muscle, and I would have missed it if I was busy at work or something. Just yesterday, her kicks and hiccups were big enough that I could feel some of them up high in my uterus (which is above my belly button now) and some on top of my bladder. It's a little weird to be going about my day, emailing or lost in my own thoughts, and have her rolling around in there, doing her thing. I find myself stopping to talk to her when she moves, talking to her when we change activities, talking to her about Cocoa when he snuggles us, talking to her about the food I'm going to eat when I'm hungry. And on these warm days when we're lounging on the beach, I tell her how much fun she's going to have swimming this summer and playing with Cocoa in the water =) I'm really looking forward to the day she arrives, to holding her, and getting to know her. Only four months left!

20wks 6days - Daddy felt the baby move!

2007-03-23T21:38:00.000-05:00

This little one has been bouncing all over the place, and in just two weeks has gone from movements that I feel about once a day, to movements that are reliably felt every few hours. And very explosive movements at that! Every now and then I feel a tickle or a soft bump, but often, when she gets started, it feels more like a fireworks finale of punches and kicks and jumps and rolls. I've been able to feel these movements on the outside of my belly with my hands every once in a while for a few days, but Dan hasn't been able to catch one yet.

Until tonight! Tonight, after work, laying on the couch just before bed, I felt her start moving. Then the gymnastics started, which I announced with glee, and Dan had his hand on my belly for just a moment when she gave a humongous kick! Dan's eyes lit up while I was asking "Did you feel that?" He just bent over my belly and started talking to the baby and kissing my belly and saying silly things and generally being quite excited about his first contact with his daughter. He's such a proud papa and so attached to her already. He felt her kick one more time before she quieted down, and he said it felt like a tiny little bump.

Now I just wonder what Cocoa will think when she's bigger and we're cuddling in bed one morning and his head is getting bounced around on my belly from all her activity...

Names

2007-03-20T14:01:00.000-05:00

With three sets of grandparents, it's going to be fun to hear what everyone wants to be called. Bob and Jordan already have a few grandchildren from Jordan's kids, and they have been Grandfather and Mimi for years now. When you get down to it, pretty much all the grandparent names sound a little funny. My great-grandparents were Memar (the r is silent) and Pappy, and my grandparents were Grammy, Grandpa, Grandma, and Grandaddy. Dan's were Grandfather and Grandmother... so formal sounding to me. I wonder what our parents will want to be called? And I wonder how these things get started? Like is there some family meeting where this is decided, or do they just start referring to themselves by a name? Or do you wait and see what the grandkids actually call them... and then they're just stuck with "Gaaa!"

My little one year old cousin Kaylee calls my dad Parper. It's so adorable! Maybe he'll be Grand-parper =)

And then there's the question of what to name the kid--What do you think of Fisher Kee? (btw, I'm laughing because I know some of you will think I'm joking and most of you will think I'm not and will be scared to say so... I'm just going to leave you hanging on that one for a while) Don't worry--we won't be announcing her real name until she arrives =)

19wks 6days - Look, Grandma! More pictures!

2007-03-16T21:40:00.001-05:00

17wks 5days 3D face shot
Originally uploaded by Toasted Salmon.

I just posted a few photos from the past few weeks. A couple, like this one, are in 3D, which is kind of fun. We've actually gotten to see the baby's face, now! You can visit our Flickr site to see the whole collection, of course. The 3D technology involves taking several 2D photos, which are like slices of the baby's body, and putting them together, so you can get an idea of what the baby's outside really looks like.

This week, Dan and I went for an official sonogram. This is the one that everyone gets midway through the pregnancy to check for normal growth and development. It was the first time Dan has seen her in a couple of months, and he has been quite the proud papa all week, telling everyone about how well she's doing. He's convinced that she moves more and has grown better and is generally more perfect than any other baby has ever been. They're both quite cute.

This week I've also gotten a new wardrobe. Our neighbors, Bill and Maria, have had two girls in the past several years, and are now being generous enough to donate tons of baby clothes and loan me an entire maternity wardrobe. It's so nice to have options in clothing, as I have pretty much gotten down to two pairs of pants and one shirt for the warm weather we had this week. This belly is really popping out, and not much of my regular clothing will fit over it anymore.

19wks 2days - A multisensory experience

2007-03-12T07:59:00.000-05:00

So, today, having felt this baby move off and on all week, I got to take a peek on ultrasound and watch her while she moves. And I felt her move at the same time!!! At this point in development, babies go from napping to bouncing to napping pretty frequently, so there's almost always some movement going on, but what I got to see on the sonogram is what she's doing when I can feel her move.

Sitting there quietly, waiting to see what's going on in her little world, I get a chance to listen to her heart beating, and look again (yes, she's still a girl). But then she starts peddling her legs, and then a little wave of her fist. Obviously, I can't feel any of that. But then, she starts jumping and bouncing a little, and I still can't feel that. I start talking to her, and then I sneeze, which looks like a major earthquake on the sonogram :) She responds by giving a mighty kick with both feet, straight up on the roof of her little home, bouncing her whole body back and forth. That, I feel. A few pictures for keepsakes and I get back to work. She's so precious!

19wks 1day - Ahh, Sabbath...

2007-03-11T20:08:00.000-05:00

The morning started out with plenty of time to get ready for church, and head out to play with our little ones in the nursery...until we realized it was not 8:24, but 9:24, and we were supposed to be there 45 minutes ago! Woops!

No crisis, though, as there was staff to cover our lapse. We talked about the parable of the lost son, and were charmed by this little group of 2&3 yr olds who thought it would be really fun to have a party when the son comes back :) Beautiful worship time, with baby kicking at the music, and again at the end of the sermon, and we head home.

Our day of rest is an amazing gift and we strive to not have a to-do list on Sundays. This afternoon we rested for a while and ate a little before Cocoa decided to voice his opinion, and so we went to the park. The windows were open and the sun was shining and he was immensely happy to be heading to the dog park. We spent a little time with the other dogs--there were lots of families and puppies playing today. Cocoa got a few drinks from his squirt bottle, and a few water gun style squirts from Dan. Eventually he headed toward the gate, which is his way of saying, "ok, next thing now, please!" and we took a walk around the park. He loves to explore while we walk the path, and he managed to find all the mud puddles and water holes and fun places to get dirty. We finally ended up on the lawn in front of our car, and I collapsed to soak in the sunshine. Dan and Cocoa played with the now empty water bottle, and Cocoa had a ball with all this undivided attention. They ran circles around and around me and I sat there and laughed and felt the baby kick! Dan stopped to put his hand on my belly, and she kicked again, but not underneath his hand. We all laid on the grass and rested for a while, before heading home.

We piddled around the house, reading a bit, laying in the window seat with the kitty, chopping wood in the backyard. As warm as it was outside today, it's chilly in the house, especially after dark, so we lay a fire and cozy up in front of a movie with some chinese take-out. And here we are, Dan and Cocoa and me and the baby, cuddled up on the couch, dozing occasionally, talking softly, and she's kicking again. Just little blips here and there, and I don't even realize at first what I'm feeling, but there it is, persistently thumping around. I smile and snuggle down and doze off again. How sweet is this day, this moment. This is the gift of Sabbath--to know the sweetness of a moment and to live in it, without thought for yesterday or tomorrow.

18wks 2days - I felt that!

2007-03-05T20:34:00.000-05:00

I've been wondering about feeling this baby move for the past week or two. Every now and then I feel a tickly brush like a butterfly's wings, and I even thought I might have felt a poke, maybe, but I was never sure.

Today, driving in to work, it was unmistakable. I felt her move! Two swift kicks and a sweeping motion. That was it, but it made me look down at my belly and say, "What was that?!" I have no idea what she must have been doing in there for me to feel her, but whatever it was, I hope she does it again. (yes, I know, all you experienced mothers are out there saying, "just you wait, you won't like it so much in a few months" but I don't care! this is amazing!)

No more movements today, just the one, and I wonder how long until I feel it regularly. And how long until Dan can feel it? Poor thing, he wants to hold the baby so badly, and I can't wait until he can share this.

17wks 4days - Exhaustion

2007-02-28T21:00:00.000-05:00

This is a new feeling for me. I've worked 3 days this week so far, and I have a day at the clinic tomorrow, and another hospital day on Friday. I don't know how I'm going to keep doing this. I'm exhausted. When I made this schedule, I didn't see any reason not to do this. The overtime is always a good thing, and we're trying to save up so that I won't have to work after the baby arrives. Childcare is included right now, you know. But this is rediculous. My body is tired, I feel like I eat all the time but I'm still hungry. I look more fat than pregnant. At this point the chub that I had on my belly originally is just sticking out, so it's not really round and cute--just fat. And in case you can't tell, I'm feeling just a tad bit irritable these days.

At the end of my work day, when I realize that I haven't drunk enough, eaten enough, or peed in hours and I'm about to explode, I start to get the idea that this body isn't mine to use and abuse anymore. I have to get a break to eat, pee, and drink if I'm going to make it through this. And, more than just my complaints, my body starts to tell me at the end of these days that this is not ok. I've been cramping pretty regularly at the end of my work day, which is not a good thing. So, this weekend will be about rest, and next week I have 3 days off in a row to rest, and from now on, my baby needs as much attention as my patients. Now, off to bed.

It's a girl! - 16wks 6days

2007-02-23T20:46:00.000-05:00

Well, I have to admit, I pretty much had it in my mind that this would be a boy. Not that we had any way of knowing, but the odds were pointing that way. I guess that's the thing about odds--somebody's gotta be the 15%, you know? I was so used to the idea of a boy, that I've really been looking for a penis for a couple of weeks now, and I keep showing Dan these pictures and saying, "it could be either one, we can't really be sure," but my coworkers have been saying, "ooh it really might be a girl!!"

Tonight, it was unmistakable. Those are labia, and Izzy is a girl! (No, we still don't have a name--sheesh! give us some time!) By the way, Dan was adorable when I told him. He's so excited about a little girl, and he can't wait to meet her, and quite frankly, I can't wait to see him meet her! Just imagine, Dan as a daddy, and holding his little princess...aww!

14wks 3days - The old pants are officially retired

2007-02-06T08:42:00.000-05:00

Today I wore my favorite jeans for probably the last time this year. Sitting at the Panera Bread, meeting with Kathryn, my mentor, I realized that I couldn't sit forward to eat or talk. In fact, I had to unbutton my pants and was glad I had a long sweater on over them. I bought some maternity pants at the Goodwill (1/2 off on the 4th saturday of every month!) for a couple of bucks, but they're still quite baggy. Oh well, I guess it's on to sweats and scrubs for a while--at least they're adjustable :)

13wks 4days - Long awaited pictures

2007-01-31T14:47:00.001-05:00

Well, Dan and I have been working really hard, at work and on the new bathroom, and while I've been taking pictures of the baby, I haven't found time to post them until now. Sorry, I'm a bad daughter (inlaw and regular), but hey, now you practically get a photo album. Besides, anyone who actually knows me should not be surprised by this lapse--when do i actually keep up with anything the way I mean to? (Good luck, baby kee...)

So, in the last few weeks, our phone and computer died. We've bought a new computer (the macbook--annelise will be so proud), but not a new phone. We also turned 26, which we celebrated at Chevy's with a rare day where we were both off of work and basically alone together for the day. Ahhh... that was nice. Another perk of the birthday is that people have started purchasing from the Baby registry. It's so cool, not just because they thought of it, but now we have tangible *stuff* for the baby. I'm not excited about having to get the baby a ton of stuff in our already crowded house, but having a few things is just neat, almost like we aren't really dreaming and we might actually be having a baby this year!!!

Ok, so on the the photos. Here's a sampling of what we've collected over the last several weeks. The full collection can be viewed on the flickr page, of course. (Just click on the pictures to get to it.)

11wks 3days - Showing off my arms and legs!
Originally uploaded by Toasted Salmon..

11wks 5days - Just chillin' in my Womb
Originally uploaded by Toasted Salmon.

12 wks 0 days - 3D
Originally uploaded by Toasted Salmon.

12wks 3days
Originally uploaded by Toasted Salmon.

12wks 4 days - Head Shot
Originally uploaded by Toasted Salmon.

Hi Everyone! 12wks 6days
Originally uploaded by Toasted Salmon.

11wks 6days - Hi Baby!

2007-01-19T14:26:00.000-05:00

11wks 6days - Hi Baby!
Originally uploaded by Toasted Salmon.

I haven't had the energy to edit and post all the pictures we've gotten in the last couple of weeks, so here's one a bit belated...

This one's from today! 11wks 6days, he was jumping around, stretching his legs all the way out, and reaching out and waving with his arms. He jumps and moves more when I sing to him or when I'm laughing, and sometimes he'll just sit there and reach and stretch, arms then legs, and curl up and go to sleep. How adorable! I've come to cherish times like today when I have time to watch him on sono--he's got such a little personality already. I'm not sure I can convey what it's like to be able to watch him grow day by day inside me like this, and get to know how he's changing and the new things he can do... it's amazing!

First Prenatal Visit - 11wks 4days

2007-01-17T20:19:00.000-05:00

Dan and I went to our first visit as clients at Special Beginnings Birth and Women's Center in Arnold today. I worked there for over a year as a nurse, and only recently stopped to give myself more availability for my "real" job, and for the pregnancy center. I love the atmosphere there, and I loved working there. I can totally see myself delivering in one of those rooms.

Unfortunately, my first appointment was with a temporary midwife standing in while another is on maternity leave. I'd never met her before, but she seemed nice enough. The visit itself, not so fun, since it included an in depth exam :( At this point, we're still a little early to hear baby on the doppler in the office, even though we've already heard it on sono. She didn't take my word about about my due date at first, which was a little annoying and not how the rest of the midwives operate. Any patient that keeps track of ovulation in order to prevent pregnancy for years can be trusted to give you accurate dates for her current pregnancy, and doesn't need to be told that "you know, the timing of ovulation can vary month to month." Duh.

It's a whole new experience for me to be on the pt end of things. It's just not the most comfortable feeling for me, and I think one of my coworkers put it well when she said it's the lack of control that bothers me. That's what I do like about being a "patient" at the birth center. My health care is just as much my responsibility as it is my midwives'. When I go in, I pee in a cup, and dip my own urine with test sticks. I weigh myself on their scales, and report the results of both to the midwife in the office. I'm not called a patient; I'm the client. Later on, the location of my delivery, method of pain relief, and care givers and visitors that are allowed to be present at my birth are all my decisions.

So, it was a neat day, because I get to join the ranks of the patients that I care for, but it's still my pregnancy--I don't have to give that up.

Much better! - 10wks 6days

2007-01-12T19:21:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note today--those seabands? Yeah, I'm never taking them off again!

Accupressure might work? 10wks 5days

2007-01-11T16:13:00.000-05:00

Just a quickie today--I've been feeling great in the nausea department for a couple of days, no vomiting in probably two days now. Today, I woke up late with only a few minutes to change, brush my teeth and rush out the door. No breakfast in bed, so slowly getting up... just go now! And my sea-bands didn't make it to work with me, which I didn't notice until I was sitting in rounds, feeling rather ucky. Another nausea-filled day of repeating my meals in reverse is almost over now, and I won't be forgetting those things again anytime soon!

I saw him! (Dan) - 10 weeks 4 days

2007-01-11T07:02:00.000-05:00

So usually sonogram pictures are lame--they look like little white blobs. But it gets a little cooler when the blob is YOUR baby. Well last night we went to see the sonogram together. The white blob in motion on the screen looks like a tiny baby. It was really amazing to be looking at MY baby, moving around--squirming and kicking his legs and moving his arms. What used to look like a stoic image of someone else's baby was a beautiful movie of the tiny baby I love. He squirmed around unaware of his parents watching him, longing to reach through and hold him. The desire to hold him assuaged by knowing he's resting content inside the most perfect home short of Heaven--MY wife. And she loves him too as you can see from this most recent sonogram image!

--Dan

Getting a little easier - 10wks 4days

2007-01-10T08:44:00.000-05:00

I'm almost afraid to write this, but I think the nausea may be subsiding a bit. If it truly is, then I'm a very lucky mom, since it really didn't get bad until the week of Christmas.

I've gotten a care package of nausea remedies from my mom, and tons of advice from anyone who knows that I'm pregnant. I've learned to eat constantly throughout the day so as to never have an empty stomach. Even at night, when I get up to the bathroom, I stop by the fridge on the way back to bed and have small snack. In the mornings before I get up, I put on the sea bands that my mom sent, and Dan brings me a bowl of cereal. I have preggie pops and I have doggie bags with me everywhere I go, but I'm having to use them less and less. And it seems that the last couple of days, I've had some queasiness, but not the overwhelming i'm-gonna-puke-now! feeling, and I haven't been vomiting much at all!

I realized at work that there's a spring in my step again, and a couple of people have told me that I'm looking better, so I'm happy, relieved, and still wearing those sea bands. (I'm a little scared to take them off!)

First Scare - 10wks 0days

2007-01-06T23:52:00.000-05:00

I went to work today, which was good, since I was home yesterday and miserably vomiting the entire day. Work is a good thing for keeping one's mind off of misery. I was so miserable yesterday that I didn't check email or surf the net or do anything, and even this post is being added a week late because of all of the rediculous nausea.

At any rate, today was a little scary - when I got to work this morning I found that I was bleeding a little. Not much, but I had no reason to be bleeding, and of course was a little worried that this might be the start of a miscarriage. I sono'd myself and found a beautiful heart beating and a baby bouncing around like "Hey Mom, look at me!" He looked fine, so I called Dan to let him know what was going on. A quick prayer together and back to work.

Trying to keep my mind off of the bleeding. Every couple of hours I take a trip to the bathroom, followed by a sono, constantly talking to God about what's going on in my heart. Here's that trust issue again, rearing it's head. Dan is so beautiful in how he approaches these things in life. I'm a little more gritty, realistic. He is reassured that everything is fine, he's excited that the baby is doing well, he believes it's time for us to start a family, and that this baby will do fine. And if it doesn't, we'll deal with that when it happens. He has no proof that it's fine; I have experience saying that it very likely could not be fine. He could worry, but he doesn't. It doesn't come that easy for me, and I have to take my worry, over and over, back to God, lay it down. I go through my day and find I've picked it up again. I take it back, lay it down. I know in my heart that I don't have to carry it, but sometimes I have a hard time believing that.

So, the day goes on, the bleeding slows to almost nothing, the baby is still fine on sonogram. I go home to Dan and Eric working on our new bathroom. I treat myself to a spa night--a nice long shower, a face mask, a deep condition, a shave, all by candlelight. I spend the time praying, talking to the baby, enjoying this precious motherhood that is so new and fragile, and when I leave the bathroom, I am completely relaxed, stilled, quiet. I lay down on the couch, just for a minute, but end up falling asleep there, with Cocoa and Sammy curled around me, and the guys still working down the hall. For once, I don't dream, I just sleep.

A whole new baby - 9wks 4days

2007-01-03T19:40:00.000-05:00

9wks 4 days
Originally uploaded by Toasted Salmon.

I got to see the baby again today, and he looks so big! At this point you can finally see more than just an oval in a sac. You can see a baby! He (or she) has, even on this old sono machine, a distinguishable head and body, with arms waving around, and legs bent up at the knees. And then!! Then he moved around! He was bouncing around like a Mexican jumping bean! He opened and closed his fists, and waved them around in front of his face and jumped and bounced, and then he curled back up in a little ball and laid down! How sweet!!! I feel so incredibly blessed to be able to see all this--it's truly amazing to see this miracle unfolding inside me, and I can't even really tell anything is going on.

Except, that is, for the nausea. The unending sea-sick feeling, where nothing is appetizing, everything smells, and puking occurs at random. It's been quite miserable, and I only seem to get significant relief when I'm busy at work. We get busy enough that I just don't have time to think about it, so I'm not as miserable. I still have to run to a trash can every so often, but at least I'm not feeling so enormously nauseated between those trips.

I keep telling myself that it's a good thing. My baby is growing and healthy, or else I wouldn't be feeling like this, and so, in a way, I can be thankful for it. And amazed that my body is really doing this thing. Just so amazed.

More exciting news!

2007-01-02T08:04:00.000-05:00

Most of you know our good friend Bahari Harris, and if you don't know him, you might remember him speaking at our wedding...

We called him last night, to share our wonderful news, and he was wonderful news, too! Bahari and Mamie are getting married!!

They have been such good friends since we were all students at Virginia Tech, and even across a couple of states, and occasionally and ocean, we have all managed to keep in touch. We are so excited for them and can't wait to see what God has in store for them as they walk into this next season in life!

We love you guys!

It was a Merry Christmas - 9wks 1 day

2006-12-31T19:37:00.000-05:00

Well, Christmas has come and gone, and it was all I could have asked for when it came to sharing the news with our family, and now we're going about the business of letting the rest of the world know.

Friday, December 22, we drove into Franklin at about 2am, and woke both my parents. They have a new addition of their own--a dog named Riley. So, after we dealt with the dogs, we had my parents open an early gift. It was so cute! They sat there looking at it, going, "Really? Really?" They were so excited to be grandparents!

Over the next several days, we shared the news via our little announcement frames with my aunts and uncles, my grandparents on my Dad's side, and then my mom's side of the family. As the week progressed, my nausea turned into vomiting on a regular basis--I was late for church because of it, which raised a few eyebrows. Christmas Day was a marathon of surprised people. Dinner was with my mom's family at her sister's house, where one of my cousins passed out the frames anonymously, and everyone opened them at the same time. There were congratulations and hugs and exclamations of "I thought so!"

On the 26th, we headed to see Dan's parents. We went first to his Dad's house in Chatham and did our Christmas exchanging that night. At their house, each person opens one gift at a time, with everyone else as an audience to each gift. So, we just gave Bob and Jordan a frame and everyone watched while they opened. Let's just say, they were excited, too! (My ears are still ringing with Jordan's "OH MY HECK!")

A few more days, and we were off to Matthews to visit his Mom, and another round of gift opening, another round of tears and excitement, and another new set of grandparents. Pat and Meg and Eric managed to keep the secret even though they were there a whole day ahead of us! Thanks you guys! It meant so much to us to be able to tell all of our immediate family in person. With everyone so spread out, there really isn't another time of year when we see everyone that close together.

And yes, it definitely feels more real, now that everyone knows. We're already getting asked about names and the baby's sex, and even when we're having the next one!! Btw, we don't know to all of those questions :)

Merry Christmas everyone, and a Happy New Year!

It's almost time!

2006-12-22T09:36:00.001-05:00

Christmas Present for the Grandparents
Originally uploaded by Toasted Salmon.

So, we're down to the wire, and I spent last night frantically wrapping gifts, and printing announcements so that we can leave as soon as I get home from work tonight.

I think I won't work on the day we leave on a big trip again. In fact, I'm questioning the wisdom of traveling to so many different places in a week's time. I feel a little like we're playing "Tag, You're IT!" with our families because we only get to spend a couple of days in each place. I wonder how this will work with kids? I'm honestly a little nervous about paving the way in that department. With the first grandchild for most of our family, there's no precedent for how long distance Christmases are spent. I guess it's one more thing to be praying about.

On to the joys of the season, though! I've been feeling a little grumpy the last few days, and it's getting harder and harder to talk to our families without telling them the news, so I'm sooo thankful that today has finally arrived! Tonight, when we get to my mom's house, we're going to give them a gift bag with a frame in it just like the one in the picture. (hard to take a picture of this since there's so much glare from the glass) I can't wait to see their faces, and we'll have the camera ready, but it will be late at night... maybe we'll do it in the morning?

I feel like I want to see the Nativity movie again. We missed the Christmas services at Corinth, my family's home church, and we'll miss the services Christmas Eve at Mariners', our home church. So I'm really just feeling hectic, nauseated and grumpy, with no connection to the wonder of Jesus' birth at all.

On the development side of things, Baby Kee is officially a fetus tomorrow. Most all of his parts are in place, and instead of a peanut, he looks like a miniature person. I can't wait to see the next sonogram--he'll have a face, and elbows and toes! You can't really see a difference in me, but I feel it. My pants are just a bit snugger, though I haven't gained a pound yet, and my breasts feel huge, though they only look a little bigger. The changes are starting, but it will be a long time yet before the rest of the world sees anything. Thank goodness for scrubs!

Mr. Understanding - 7wks 3days

2006-12-19T10:02:00.000-05:00

Today I discovered that it is not a good idea to move in the morning before having something to eat. I woke up, stumbled into the bathroom, and was suddenly dizzy with the urge to empty my very empty stomach. There I am, holding my head in my hands, trying not to wretch, and yelling for dan to bring me something to eat--now! I can hear cabinets opening and shutting, and he's calling out my options:
"you want an egg?"
"no!"
"how 'bout and english muffin?"
"no!"
"ice cream sandwich?"
"oh, god, this is not good... nothing, I don't want anything, i just need to eat"
"umm..."

Poor Dan. Luckily, while I've turned into raging hormonal woman, yelling at everyone and threatening to puke at any moment, he's turned into Mr. Understanding. When I do start to melt down, he just smiles at me and says, "You're making my baby." Which does tend to slow me down and make me smile, too.

And the food that's getting me through today? Potato chips! Lays Original... gotta love 'em. I barely got through my nauseating morning with a bowl of cereal. Driving up the interstate to work felt more like riding a roller coaster, and when I got here, some lady had decided to make a casserole and bring it to work. I'm sure it was supposed to taste good, but it was positively putrid to me! Heaving my way in this morning, I was so thankful for the chips and ginger ale that are found in abundant supply here. Like magic, my nausea subsided, and I started feeling normal again. Of course, now, the nausea is back. I guess I need more chips.

Second Sonogram - 7wks 2 days

2006-12-18T11:42:00.000-05:00

I just got to see him again!!! He's grown so big! Measuring almost a whole centimeter from head to butt, he's enormously bigger than last week. This machine was a little older, though, so the photos aren't wonderful, but he's definitely there and growing. We even got to listen to his heartbeat--much faster this time, and so reassuring.

And here's baby!
Originally uploaded by Toasted Salmon.

And that's the funny part. I didn't realize how worried I had been. This all still feels so unreal to me, that I can't quite believe that this baby is growing and thriving. I still find myself preparing for the day when this is all over and I have to let everyone know that I'm not really pregnant, that we're not really having a baby. It's unrational, I know, but I just feel like I've made the whole thing up, and I'm about to be found out. I'm not sure what will make it more real, or when I will start to believe that maybe, just maybe, I really am pregnant, and this baby really is growing, and we really are having a baby!

Maybe when we get to share the news with our families, it will be more real. I'm looking forward to telling my mom most of all at this point. Every time I talk to her, I want to tell her about my nausea, my crampiness, ask how she felt... and in less than a week, I get to! I won't be able to wait for Christmas day, and I don't want to cheat either of us out of that time spent together, so I'm planning to wake them up when we arrive late Friday night with an early Christmas gift. Dan and I got frames from Khols this weekend, and I made a little note to go in them congratulating each family member on their new role (grandparents, great aunts and uncles, greatgrandparents, etc), announcing that a photo will arrive in August. For the grand and great grandparents, we got double frames, and I'm planning to include a sonogram photo as well. It turned out really cute--I spent a large part of the weekend working on them, and I can't wait to see their faces when they unwrap their gifts!

Newest nauseating smell... 7wks 0days

2006-12-16T03:36:00.000-05:00

My super sense of smell ain't all it's cracked up to be. We took Cocoa to the dog park today, and while there, Dan opened a can of coke to drink. Coke. The smell (of the coke!) about knocked me over. Who knew coke had a smell?

Yawn Just so sleepy - 6wks 4days

2006-12-13T17:45:00.000-05:00

I had a day off on Sunday, which was wonderful, before starting my work week. I've only worked 3 days this week, a regular work week, but I feel exhausted. I thought back and counted up the hours of sleep I've gotten this week-- 8 or more every night, with a nap on Sunday, and I can't stop yawning.

I've never had an easy time sleeping in, or taking naps during the day. (Dan is the napping pro--he can fall asleep anytime, anywhere.) I have too many things going through my head, a constant to-do list, to be able to lay down and rest. A wonderful book, Sabbath Keeping, has shed new light on that for me, by the way, and I recommend it to everyone!!

This week, though, I have no such napping issues. I now have the ability to lay my head down on the pillow and not move for as many hours as I am allowed to sleep. I even take naps in the middle of the afternoon, with the sun up and everything! Sunday morning, Dan got a small taste of revenge for my usual bright-eyed morning greeting. I often wake up before him on our days off, and when I can't stay in bed any longer, I just look at him, wide eyed and smiling and two inches from his face, and that's what he gets to wake up to :) He did that to me this weekend, and it was downright scary.

So, very sleepy, can't wait to go to bed tonight, and thinking that this baby must be doing some growing or something, because I'm not doing a whole lot, and I'm exhausted.

G'night...

I think we'll name the baby Izzy - 6wks 2 days

2006-12-11T11:59:00.000-05:00

There are lots of opinions on whether or not parents should know the sex of the baby before birth. As a labor and delivery nurse, I used to be rather snobbish in my opinion that finding out the sex ruins the surprise and is really just going too far. Why do we need to uncover all these mysteries in life? What happneded to the joyous moment at birth when man, woman, and child meet for the first time, and someone announces through tears, "It's a ___!" Plus, when it's a surprise, I often get to be that announcing voice :)

Now, however, I've had my first glimpse at this child, and even though he's just a little blip on the screen, I am in love! And I want more!! I want to know what he really looks like, not just the shadow of an image we get with ultrasound. I read in my pregnancy books, and devour the pictures of developing embryos at this stage. I can't wait until I can look again, maybe on a slow day at work. And one of my friends points out that you feel that much closer to the baby, knowing such an integral part of this new identity as gender. Of course I want to know who my baby is as soon as I can!

But then, with all that we do know, and all that we do see on sonogram, the movements that mom can feel, the ability to schedule your delivery, and the hard work that comes with labor and delivery, another friend points out that finding out her baby's gender at birth was her treat to herself, her own little gift at the end of this first long journey with this brand new person.

So, for now, I think we'll call the baby Izzy. Because even if we do find out, it will be a while, and in the mean time everyone keeps asking: "Izzy a boy? or Izzy a girl?"

And here's another little piece of our puzzle--we think it's a boy! (maybe) There are certain aspects to the timing of conception that give about an 85% accuracy to predicting gender if you know when you ovulated, which we do. And, a very anecdotally accurate chart called the Chinese Birth Calendar is predicting a boy for us as well. I've had lots of patients (who actually knew when they ovulated) tell me it was correct for them, but no other evidence for that at all really. So, if I had to guess right now, my guess is that Baby Kee's favorite color is blue. I'm just so enamored with this baby that I can't wait until we meet, no matter what color Izzy wears!

I SAW HIM!!!! (or her) - 6wks 0days

2006-12-09T15:29:00.000-05:00

I'm in Norfolk, at the Sheraton, and have very little time to type. The last 24 hours have wreaked havoc on my digestive system because I knew I'd have a sonogram today. This was it, the moment of truth--and what if there was no pregnancy there? What if there was only an empty uterus where my baby was for a few days?? How was I going to deal with that?

Well, I saw his heartbeat!! I saw him! He's a little peanut, measuring about 0.21cm from the tip of his head to the bottom of his butt. He's tiny, and beautiful and perfect and we can already see his heart beating!!

A Perfect view of baby!
Originally uploaded by Toasted Salmon.

I'm in love =)

I'll be sure to write all about it and post pictures when I get home, but I'm so excited right now, and I really just want to jump up and down and tell EVERYONE that there's a baby growing inside me, AND HE'S REALLY THERE!!! I didn't just make it up!

I love you guys--all of you who don't know yet, and who I'm waiting so paitently to tell. I'm just overflowing with it right now. It's just beautiful, and I don't know what else to say.

I am in love.

I have Superpowers! - 5wks 4days

2006-12-06T12:50:00.000-05:00

I've long been an advocate of breastfeeding and natural childbirth, and if you want to know why, just ask--I could talk your ear off for hours about the subjects. In my internet searchings, I've been most amused to find funny T-shirts that advocate the subject. One t-shirt for a little boy says, "Boob Man" and another for mom says "I make milk--what's your superpower?"

It turns out I already have superpowers! In the last 48 hrs, my sense of smell has begun to compete with a bloodhound, and it's not always fun. Everything is obnoxious! A doctor walks in and I can smell the cologne like he just poured it on me. Someone across the room puts lotion on their hands, and it doesn't advertise a scent, but I can just smell flowery stuff everywhere. A patient is asked if she smokes, drinks or uses drugs, and she says no, but to me it smells like we're in a bar, so I have to ask "ok, then, who does?" and when the dad fesses up, I have to ask him to leave, because I can't breathe! The bottle of water smells funny, don't even get me started about the gas station, and I am so thankful Cocoa just had a bath! There are good smells, too. Everything is magnified. The clean laundry (that's been in the drawers a while) smells fresh, Dan smells like home, and when there's no offending odor, I find myself utterly happy.

This sense of smell is tied very closely to my level of nausea, though, which has suddenly appeared in full force since yesterday. Overwhelming and sudden, and now nothing really helps it. In the last week or so, I've had a wave every now and then, but I would just eat something and be fine. Now, however, I have to keep eating, because if my stomach gets empty, it wants to heave, and nothing can stop it. And sudden drops in blood sugar are starting to signal the coming nausea, which I guess is good because I get some warning. Nature Valley peanut butter bars are my friend. And ginger ale. And salads and fruit. And sometimes milk and oreos :) But mostly salads. I've been living off of those pre-packaged ceasar salads in the produce section. They come with everything--croutons, cheese, sometimes sundried tomatoes and bacon bits. And I add anchovies, which are my new favorite food. In case I didn't mention it, it's lunch time and I'm stuck in the PACU with a patient. I'm kind of hungry.

I'm leaving for a sonogram conference tonight, so I may not post for a few days, depending on internet availability. But I will get to have dinner with my parents one of those evenings. This should be interesting!

Baby #1 (or so he thinks...) 5wks 2days

2006-12-04T15:40:00.000-05:00

This is me in April of 2004 with our first baby, Cocoa (9wks old at the time). He's been our joy and he goes with us wherever we go (even when we go out to eat, often!). His latest trick? Give the baby kisses! He nuzzles my belly =) I'm thankful that he's calming down lately; however, I wonder how we'll deal with jealousy issues. He doesn't share our affection with others too well at this point. He was wonderful in september with my 1 y/o cousin Kaylee when we spent a week at the beach. He didn't mess with her much, and he let her crawl all over him and yank on his ears and generally be a kid without so much as a groan.

For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of meeting Cocoa, he's now a 70lb lump of love who thinks he's human. Seriously, he knows the word "puppy" and he NEVER thinks it refers to himself. He spends most of his days lazing around and resting up for his trips to the dog park. He loves to take the short walk down to the beach for a swim, no matter the season, and is happiest when we put our full attention into finding fun logs to heave into the water for him to fetch. He takes long trips like a piece of luggage, occasionally whining to have his window rolled down, but mostly sleeping. This enables him to have the most possible energy upon arrival at his destination, when he turns into a bouncing, barking, brown ball of tail-wagging, people-licking, very enthusiastically everything-sniffing puppy! This fall, he's become quite the accomplished mouse hunter, and he works well as a team with Sammy Cat. His new favorite spot is on our mattress which we've placed in front of the fireplace. He and Sammy curl up on the bed, close to the fire and bake until they can't stand it, then they move to the window to cool off.

Btw, this is my first attempt at posting a picture, so hopefully it works and I'll add some more recent ones soon!

Christmas Treasures - 5wks 1day

2006-12-03T14:39:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, Eric joined us for tree cutting and cookie making. We went to Masque Farms to select a tree, which took every bit of daylight we could consume thanks to yours truly, and brought it home. On the way home, Cocoa jumped out the window of the car and chased a family of deer through the farm before hopping back to the car to ride home! That dog is crazy, and I can't get enough =) When we got home, we had to figure out where to put the tree, make cookies, order pizza, get all the decorations out of the attic, the guys put the lights on the tree... and then they crashed while I decorated it.

It was so fun to have Eric be a part of it (and hard not to tell him the news!). I have always loved decorating the tree because when I was growing up, most of our ornaments were significant for some reason. Either it was homemade, and I can remember making it, or it was symbolic of what was going on in our lives that year. The same is true for our tree. We have filler ornaments, but many were made by us the first year we were married. Some have been special gifts to me from Dan, or purchased on honeymoons and vacations, or given to us by other people as symbolic of life events. I love poring through those memories every year at Christmas, and looking at them each night through the Christmas season. It's like the only photo album I actually look at, you know?

So, with Eric sleeping soundly on the window seat, and Dan, Cocoa, and me cuddled on the couch, all nestled around the tree, Dan read aloud from Luke. This passage is particularly sweet to me now, as it is the most well-told birth story in history I would imagine. Brought to life by the movie we saw Friday night The Nativity Story reminded me of God's care, and His way of doing things both ordinary and extraordinary all at once. And he ended with my favorite part--I could almost hear these words in the early part of the movie while I watched Mary on the screen--"But Mary tresured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." (Luke 2:19) I thought of their encounters with the shepherds, and later the magi, the prophetess, and even later when he was a boy in the temple. We would not know these stories, except that Mary treasured them and pondered them in her heart. (You know Joseph wasn't exactly keeping a journal with a flowery cover and pretty pen...)

So, a couple of treasures for my new little one:

That Monday night, driving home from work, driving myself crazy with wondering about my late period, I found myself hoping, but not wanting to be dissapointed. However, I had a feeling. It was a feeling I couldn't shake. I felt my body had nothing to shed, I felt not full, not empty, but just right, and free. I don't know how to describe the feeling, and I wouldn't admit it to myself or Dan because I didn't want to look foolish when the test was negative. But I had a feeling, and I knew there was no cycle for me to complete this time.

I am sometimes so very afraid that I will have to deal with losing this child soon. I don't know what to do with that fear, but give it away.

I have been so blessed with a loving and awe-filled husband in the first weeks. From the beginning he has been overjoyed, and I have never seen him act this way about anything. Never. He calls me during the day and asks, "How's the baby?" He kisses my tummy, and makes it clear that protecting me and the baby is his job. He makes sure we are fed, loved, and cherished. And he praises my "special baby-making skills." He is just as enamored with this baby as I am, which has taken me by surprise. Right now, I am luxuriating in that.

This is such a magical time of year, and it always is, but this year, I feel so blessed, so special, so cherished, so gifted. I could not ask for more than this joy. I want to shout LOOK! Look what God has done! My God put on flesh and became a man, and now He is giving me a glimpse of that very miracle in my own life. Who am I? How can this be?

By the way, today my baby has a beating heart, and "a primitive vasular system unspooling by the hour." (Barry Werth, from Conception to Birth)

Trust - 4wks 6days

2006-12-01T09:12:00.000-05:00

There are so many things to consider that are running through my head--who will I use for prenatal care? (I know most of the practices and hospitals in the area intimately, and the decision between home, birth center, and hospital is not an easy one for me.) Where will I deliver? How will we afford this? Suppose I make through the pregnancy--how am I supposed to know what to do with a child? How are we going to grow a person into an individual, competent to participate in society? When am I going to stop being scared that the baby might not make it? And why do we have to wait so long for everything... I want to feel pregnant, to see this baby, to watch him grow into a toddler and form his first sentences, to laugh with him and hold him and teach him about life, and it all still feels so very far away. Not as far as it felt last week, though.

And with all these questions, there's only one place I can go. We trusted God for this baby. Before we were married we prayed long and hard about children and when we would have them. We didn't think it would be Biblical to get married without being ready to accept children, so we said from the start that we would love to have them. We used NFP for the first two years, constantly re-evaluating when we thought we might actively try for children. Last year we began to wonder why we were still saying no, still avoiding children, and there were obvious answers. We still feel like kids ourselves. We can't afford for me to stay home with them yet, which we both want. We don't live close to our families, which is very important to me... but just the same, if we see our children as gifts, and we can't predict the future, why do we keep saying no? So, last January, we stopped saying no. Still praying, we decided to trust God to give us children in His own time, and not to try for or to avoid pregnancy. We stopped keeping track.
Trust is a funny thing. It's hard to grasp in practicality. When we decided to "trust" God with our family plans, we switched insurance companies. If we had become pregnant in January, the pregnancy would not have been covered by the new insurance, so we thought, just for one more month, we'll avoid getting pregnant, and after that, we just let it go. So, when it really mattered, even though we just said we'd trust Him, we went back to the same old method. Sound like anyone you've heard of before? I can't tell you how many times I've read stories in the Bible and thought, "Those idiots, can't they see what God just did? Why would they turn around and try to take care of things on their own again?" Well, as if in a great cosmic show of humor, I ovulated extremely early and with no warning that month. Needless to say, we didn't get pregnant, and we learned our lesson. When He says you can trust Him, He really means it. So, we trusted God to give us children in His timing.

During the past year, it has been difficult for me to reconcile my desire to have children and my desire for other things, like traveling to visit our friends who moved to Africa. The first few months were a huge roller coaster ride, half hoping and half terrified that we'd end up pregnant right away, and trying to ignore when I knew I was ovulating. Avoiding caffeine and alcohol just in case, and having a drink when I got my period. Up and down, up and down. And all the while, God laying on both our hearts that our desire to adopt might not be as far away as we had imagined. When we found out that adopting from Uganda is as inexpensive as $5,000 we started to wonder, what's stopping us from pursuing that as well? God can just as easily shut that door as the one to pregnancy, and I was getting used to the idea that it might have been several years yet before we were gifted with either biological or adopted children. We went to an informational meeting about international adoption, and found that we have to finish construction on our house before we can start the paperwork, and were encouraged that this too could come sooner than we had planned.

So all these things were going on, and we were trusting that one day we'll have a family, that we don't know when the best time to start that is, and that all we can do is be open for what God has for us, when this Thanksgiving we turned up pregnant. Why now do I feel I have to make decisions on my own? Why, when I've finally become ok with the idea that I can trust God for a baby in His own time, do I get the news of this baby and lean on my own understanding for the next step? Guess I'm a little slow =) So, now, I'm trusting Him through this pregnancy, to do things his way. Natural delivery at home, or planned C-section for a breech baby--either way it's going to be His pregnancy, not mine.

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matt 28:20

It still feels unreal - 4wks 5days

2006-11-30T12:54:00.000-05:00

It's only been 3 days since we found out that we're expecting, and there are so many emotions to deal with. My friend left me her childrearing library before taking off for Africa this summer, and this morning I find myself perusing the passages, wanting to experience this life that's growing inside me, when I really don't feel very pregnant at all. I am a little tired, and very crampy, which scares me a little. I find myself driving over speed bumps and wondering, "Is the baby ok?" Yes, I know how rediculous that is, but I still think it.

The biggest thing I've been dealing with these past few days is wanting to share the news with everyone so badly. We will wait for Christmas, but I so badly want to share this with my mom! I keep imagining everyone sitting around the tree in her house, watching her and Daddy open their present together, and how excited they'll be and how wonderful to share the news with everyone at once in person. And that's the thing, too. I don't want to tell them without Dan, and I don't want to tell them over the phone, and Christmas is only a few weeks away...

So, for now, I'll read books, keep myself busy, and keep this record for my mom, so she won't have missed these first few days. She's a grandma and she thinks that's only because she has a grandog!

And my favorite excerpt from my library perusing today...
"When you are pregnant for the first time you feel superior to every frazzled mother chasing children in the supermarket and you know you'll never be that way. Savor that confidence. This faith in your own maternal wisdom won't reach that peak again until you are a grandmother." --The Mother's Almanac

We're having a baby! - 4wks 4days

2006-11-29T15:31:00.000-05:00

This weekend I started to think my period might be late. I'm pretty sure I know when I ovulate, but hey, I could be wrong. I've been hopeful and dissapointed, and scared and relieved before. But I've never been late. This weekend I was officially late. So, while we were at the grocery store, we bought a pregnancy test. Before we did that, though, in a fit of what I thought was pre-menstrual rage, I managed to throw a box of frozen mozzarella sticks at Dan. Hooked him on the chin. I have since apologized profusely for my momentary lapse in sanity. My girlfriend says this should have been my first clue.

But, like I said, maybe I was wrong about being late, so I didn't take the test right away. By Monday night I was driving myself crazy with what-if's, so I took the test. I watched for a second, just long enough to see that there might be a faint blue line showing up before shoving the test in Dan's face. I couldn't look, couldn't see, couldn't dare to hope. I was just crying and asking him what it said. And he was sitting there, looking at this thing, kind of awestruck. "I think we're having a baby," he said. We were both so excited, and I couldn't stop crying, and we kept looking at this little plus sign like it might start crying or need it's diaper changed any second.

It felt, it feels, so unreal. I don't really feel any different. A little tired, a few waves of nausea. I'm so excited, but also very cautious. I'm 4weeks and 4 days pregnant today, which is VERY early. I take care of women all the time at work who lose their babies at 5, 8, 11 weeks. I know there will never be a point when there are no longer risks, but I don't know how I could handle telling everyone today, and then miscarrying soon, and having to talk to everyone about it. So, for now, we're keeping it mostly between us, and out in the anonymous space that is the blogosphere. And I'm thinking that this will make a great christmas gift for the grandparents =) I've shared the news with my best friend, and hopefully I can hold out for Christmas to tell everyone else.