Yesterday, Eric joined us for tree cutting and cookie making. We went to Masque Farms to select a tree, which took every bit of daylight we could consume thanks to yours truly, and brought it home. On the way home, Cocoa jumped out the window of the car and chased a family of deer through the farm before hopping back to the car to ride home! That dog is crazy, and I can't get enough =) When we got home, we had to figure out where to put the tree, make cookies, order pizza, get all the decorations out of the attic, the guys put the lights on the tree... and then they crashed while I decorated it.
It was so fun to have Eric be a part of it (and hard not to tell him the news!). I have always loved decorating the tree because when I was growing up, most of our ornaments were significant for some reason. Either it was homemade, and I can remember making it, or it was symbolic of what was going on in our lives that year. The same is true for our tree. We have filler ornaments, but many were made by us the first year we were married. Some have been special gifts to me from Dan, or purchased on honeymoons and vacations, or given to us by other people as symbolic of life events. I love poring through those memories every year at Christmas, and looking at them each night through the Christmas season. It's like the only photo album I actually look at, you know?
So, with Eric sleeping soundly on the window seat, and Dan, Cocoa, and me cuddled on the couch, all nestled around the tree, Dan read aloud from Luke. This passage is particularly sweet to me now, as it is the most well-told birth story in history I would imagine. Brought to life by the movie we saw Friday night The Nativity Story reminded me of God's care, and His way of doing things both ordinary and extraordinary all at once. And he ended with my favorite part--I could almost hear these words in the early part of the movie while I watched Mary on the screen--"But Mary tresured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." (Luke 2:19) I thought of their encounters with the shepherds, and later the magi, the prophetess, and even later when he was a boy in the temple. We would not know these stories, except that Mary treasured them and pondered them in her heart. (You know Joseph wasn't exactly keeping a journal with a flowery cover and pretty pen...)
So, a couple of treasures for my new little one:
That Monday night, driving home from work, driving myself crazy with wondering about my late period, I found myself hoping, but not wanting to be dissapointed. However, I had a feeling. It was a feeling I couldn't shake. I felt my body had nothing to shed, I felt not full, not empty, but just right, and free. I don't know how to describe the feeling, and I wouldn't admit it to myself or Dan because I didn't want to look foolish when the test was negative. But I had a feeling, and I knew there was no cycle for me to complete this time.
I am sometimes so very afraid that I will have to deal with losing this child soon. I don't know what to do with that fear, but give it away.
I have been so blessed with a loving and awe-filled husband in the first weeks. From the beginning he has been overjoyed, and I have never seen him act this way about anything. Never. He calls me during the day and asks, "How's the baby?" He kisses my tummy, and makes it clear that protecting me and the baby is his job. He makes sure we are fed, loved, and cherished. And he praises my "special baby-making skills." He is just as enamored with this baby as I am, which has taken me by surprise. Right now, I am luxuriating in that.
This is such a magical time of year, and it always is, but this year, I feel so blessed, so special, so cherished, so gifted. I could not ask for more than this joy. I want to shout LOOK! Look what God has done! My God put on flesh and became a man, and now He is giving me a glimpse of that very miracle in my own life. Who am I? How can this be?
By the way, today my baby has a beating heart, and "a primitive vasular system unspooling by the hour." (Barry Werth, from Conception to Birth)
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